Final and Last - Chemo # 8

In a few minutes it will officially be Monday, the day of my last chemo! Chemo #8!

I have awaited this day for what seems like forever. The end of this portion of the journey is now so close I can feel it. I know I will be sick for over the next week to week and a half and will have nasty stabbing, deep set bone pain and fatigue. But at least I know this will be the LAST time for these things. Also, the horrible taste in my mouth that makes most foods and beverages non-appealing will now disappear in a few weeks (I hope!).

There will be some foods that I will probably never want to come near again. The foods that became the only food I could tolerate during this time. These foods will bring back far too many memories.

I am looking forward to being able to address the cleaning of my house and getting things back in order. Both have suffered tremendously during and since the beginning of my surgeries and treatments.

I am looking forward to getting the feeling back in my fingers and toes/feet. I am really frustrated with the chemo brain issue (problems with memory) that started to occur about two months ago, so here again, I am very much looking forward to that disappearing too. And the intense hot flashes and night sweats.....oh, I won't miss those! I am hoping they will go back to the way they were prior to chemo. They were there, but nothing on this level!

Oh, and of course hair growth. And needing to use deodorant again! Not that I don't like not having to use deodorant, but at the same time, there is a comfort of normal involved to need to use it! And my hair is now fuzzy enough that others are noticing it is coming back in, too. Mostly white and I don't care. I'll take it!

There were a few times that I wondered if I would ever get to chemo #8, for various reasons. But here I am. And I am glad to be here. There are some deep feelings that come with this point in the journey. Accompishment. Relief. Anticipation of the future. Renewed priorities in life. A new set of goals to address. The wariness of knowing I always be afraid of the cancer returning. The always wondering if this or that is a "sign" of cancer.

I am eager to keep moving on. I embrace the start of the next portion of my journey. I am scared of the next portion of my journey.

I will post again, as there are some things I would like to mention that I haven't. In fact there will probably be a number of posts over the next couple of months. But after that I hope to be able to concentrate on my new blog sunnyside2morrow.blogspot.com. And of course, everyone is welcome to visit me there too!

Four more minutes to Monday! Yep, the date in time that means so much! Talk to you again soon!

Chemo #7

Chemo #7 was administered today. I still have the remains of the cold and am still being treated for the superinfection, so I don't know if that may have had some affects on why things went differently today. I'm doing ok so far, but the steriods have already worn off and the benadryl didn't knock me out like it normally does. My feet, hands and stomach are swelling up and I have a sore throat. My hot flashes are going nuts. My blood pressure is on the rise again. Last take (6:30 tonight) 167/104, pulse 100.

I guess all I can do is keep an eye on things. I am hoping to get through this one with absolute minimum, perferably none.....pain and sickness.

Only one more to go! I can hardly wait. I sure hope these two weeks actually go quickly!

I have fuzz on my head again.......might even have some hair again sometime first quarter of next year! Oh, how I am looking forward to it!

Rescheduled, looking ahead and thank you

Things are smooth as ever. NOT! Ended up with an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they put me on for the superinfetion, so now I am on a different one. The new one seems to be doing fine.

I have had a killer toothache for a couple of days now. I am hoping the tooth just dies and gets it overwith. Actually it is two teeth, but all the same.

The doctor is figuring I should be over this cold, that is still making me miserable, by next Monday and she has scheduled chemo #7 for that day. She says it would not be in my best interest at all to put too much time in between these last chemos and that I need to get them done to have the best odds. She says she will try to figure out something regarding my teeth, but I just might have to just deal with it. Oh, yea! Sure hope they give me plenty of pain pills!

I am going to be such a wimp in regards to pain by the time this is all over. And if the pain doesn't do me in the high blood pressure being brought on by the Taxol, will!

Actually, I know I will be fine once I get through all this, but damn, it just seems to take forever.

On a bright note, some very wonderful people did a spagetti dinner benefit recently for me and my family to help with expenses that have been hitting us left and right since the beginning of all the doctor appointments etc. These people were truley God sent! The timing was incredible. It wasn't a huge sum of money, but it was enough to get some bills caught back up that I was starting to panic about. We were facing shutoffs left and right! I have made sure to thank each of them, but I would also like to put a thank you here. THANK YOU to everyone, who organized, donated to and attended the benefit. Your kindness is very much appreciated. Once again I feel very blessed to have some great people in my life!

Time Out

We will start this post with a note to self: from here on out, don’t speak of things going so well, it seems to become an omen.

Ok, now with that done and as you are sitting there going, oh, no, now what happened, here is the rest of the story:

As I mentioned in the last post, I caught a cold, two days after receiving chemo #6. It moved rapidly into my lungs and has been causing its own share of havoc. Then on Sunday, I started becoming much sicker and by yesterday, Wednesday, I had become quite weak and in an almost disorientated state. I called my oncologist and they arranged for me to go to urgent care fifteen miles from here to get tested and find out what the problem is.

My daughter called into work and then took me over there. Good thing I went. It turns out I now have a superinfection. The end result of either being on antibiotics since July 18^th because of my teeth, or the chemo, Taxol, or a combination of both. So now I am off the antibiotics for my teeth and am being put on another antibiotic to get rid of the superinfection.

Needless to say, chemo #7, originally scheduled for this upcoming Monday is now canceled until further notice from my oncologist. I will have labs and my appointment with her on Monday and we will discuss at that time what the future holds from here. And as far as my teeth…. Heaven only knows what is going to happen.

Chemo #6 done and how it went ....

Thought I would bring my posts up to date with what has happened since my Chemo #6 on Monday (10-17-05). The chemo infusion went well. This time I only received the steroids in pill form the night before and the morning of chemo. When I saw my doctor before chemo, she and I discussed the problems I had after the last chemo with my blood pressure, heart and some other things, she became very concerned that my body was not dealing with the steroids well and if I kept getting the massive dose of steroids, I could have a much bigger problem. Even when I went in for that appointment with her on chemo day, my blood pressure and pulse were all over the place. So the doctor decided it would be best to not do the mega dose of steroids along with chemo #6. As this week has progressed, the just doing the mega dose of Benadryl and not a mega dose of steroids seems to have been a very good call. My blood pressure and pulse and body reactions were much different this time and much better.

And had I not come down with a cold two days after receiving the chemo, I think I would have done great this time. It is a nasty cold and moved deep into my lungs almost immediately, but I have been doing everything I can to knock it out as fast as possible. I sure don’t want it lingering around and ending up postponing my next chemo!

With chemo #6, I have had minimum nausea and have not thrown up once! THAT has been great! I got the stabbing, punching nasty pains again, but at least this time I had enough Morphine on hand to get it under control early. I have the fatigue, but that could easily be both the cold or the chemo or a combination. The metallic taste is still here and the alterations of food tastes is still happening, but in the big picture, that is something that can be dealt with easily, because I know it won’t last forever. All in all, I feel this has been the best “after chemo” that I have had! More good news…. So far I am getting the tingling, numb feeling that Taxol can cause, but it is in only a few finger tips and none in my toes. And it isn’t painful at this point. So with only two more Taxol sessions to go, I think there is a really good chance I am not going to get that as bad as some people do and it will end up being short term only.

I did receive some bad news though with this chemo. The pathology department at the cancer center where I am currently going disagrees with the staging the original place did on my cancer and have staged it at Stage III instead of Stage IIB. Granted, it isn’t a huge difference, but it is just enough to make a difference when it comes to statistics. Plus, the original place never did the blood tests for markers, so I won’t ever know via markers, how my body is doing, because a baseline was never established. After chemo is over, I will always have to be very aware of my body and changes in my body. I am hoping I don’t become over paranoid on this, but I also know I will never trust my body again. So even if I had the marker tests to compare with, I don’t know if I would truly rely on them anyway.

Due to various information that I have studied and various people I have talked with in regards to radiation after my chemo is done, I have decided to not do radiation. It would take a very long post to explain all that I have found regarding this subject and all of my reasons as to why I am not going to do it, so I won’t bore you with all of that…..(not today anyway). I have spoken to some top experts in both the radiation and cancer fields and have made my decision based on facts and how they pertain to my particular case. I will be doing the hormone treatments, but even there, I am now considering having my ovaries shut down as an added precaution. My cancer is estrogen based/fed and if there is a way to deal with minimizing the estrogen levels in my body, I feel this is another way to keep/minimize the cancer from ever coming back again.

And now……only two more chemos to go! I am actually getting excited! Then I get to take a little time off before I get my teeth pulled. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel is starting to beam through and it is getting a little brighter by the day.

From my daughter's point of view .....

This week has had its ups and downs but as the week has gone forth, I have been feeling better and better. But then again that seems to be the pattern, chemo, sick, better a few days and then bam it is time for chemo again. And true to form tomorrow is chemo #6. For some reason I haven’t really been in much of a mood to post this week. Sometimes I get really tired of everything cancer. So in lieu of my own post, I would like to share a post my daughter (19) posted on her blog back on July 17, (which seems so long ago now). I found it to be very touching and would like to share her comments for those to have a glimpse of what a person close to a person with cancer goes through.

“My mom has cancer. She was officially diagnosed May 4th, the day after my birthday. I haven't completely kept it to myself (as a handful of my friends have known about it), but haven't really released it in any public way. I didn't want to...I labeled it as "keeping my private life private". The real label, as I've come to realize, is my own form of self-denial.

Two parents, one disease. One's dead already, this one is battling. To have already gone through this struggle once, and to have reached a dead end (so to speak), makes it difficult to accept the scenario for a second time.

My mom and I have definitely had a rocky and peculiar relationship throughout my lifetime. But nested inside all of it was still unconditional love. And now, that we've both matured, we've both invested time and energy over the years into our relationship, we are so solid. It's still a peculiar relationship, no doubt. And we have our moments of anger, and rage, and we have our disputes. But we are solid, we are strong, and there is a tightly fused bond of love that will never break. She's the truest form of a best friend.

Now, watching her go through this agony...the treatments, the surgeries, the medications...watching her suffer just like my father did, it's the most horrible case of deja vu I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

I was supposed to be out of here this September. I was set up to pack and leave for New York. I was working on getting the place, I had the money saving up, I was ready. Now, in a tragic change of events, here I remain. And selfishly, in the beginning, all I could think about it all the chances I was now going to lose. Career, education, location. Now...the tables have turned. As she winces in pain from the mere sight of lamp light, as she lays in bed void of all energy, as she can't even leave the house without it being torture to all her senses...all I can think is that I may have lost opportune moments, but, dammit, she's fighting just to keep from losing her life.

Priorities change. Life lays down a losing hand sometimes. But you just have to grab the next cards and hope for the best. Hope, and pray, and surround yourself in all the positive energy you can. So that's what I'm trying to do, because she needs it. Strength and support are two words you learn, understand, and live by religiously when you get dropped into this situation. And right now, for one of the very few times in my life, I admit that I need it too.

Some of my friends have been absolutely phenomenal. However, as much as I love all of my friends, some are so stuck on negativity, that's its almost painful to be around them. And some, though I believe their intentions and hearts are usually truly good (otherwise I wouldn't call them my friends), take actions and speak words that seem so selfish that I'm starting to step back. They offer assistence, but they do things that contradict their care. And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away.

I've just found myself becoming a firm "believer", I guess you could say, in good and bad energy. It's so contagious, so effective, and infectious. All I want is good surrounding my mom. The light, and the positive. So right now, all I want is the same surrounding me, so I can give it to her three-fold.

My Mom started a blog online, to keep note of her daily happenings, and to be helpful if not inspiring to the next woman who has to battle through this. She tries to be as light-hearted as she can, and I give her so much credit for facing this straight on and trying to be positive for OTHER people, in a time when she's the one in need of others positivity.”

Due to the fact my daughter posted this back on July 17, there of course, have been so many things that have happened since that time regarding my treatments, doctors and more. They have also fallen into various categories: some good, some bad, some positive, some negative. When I started my blog, I was in a totally positive mode to help others and I hope that I have been able to do so. At times I feel that I have not been able to keep as positive of a theme as I originally wanted. Cancer in itself is not a positive item which makes it hard to always write about it in a positive manner. The treatments are a positive step in becoming a long term survivor, but they also can be a difficult experience, which makes writing about them in a positive mode all the time, very difficult.

I feel it is important for me to become a survivor. I refuse to let my daughter lose another parent to cancer. She has actually lost two very important people in her life to cancer already. Along with her father, she lost a very close adult friend when she was 13, whom she had loved dearly since her toddler years. These two important people in her life died on the exact same date, two years apart of each other. She has also dealt with the death of schoolmates and another close adult whose lives were taken suddenly in car accidents. There are other deaths that have touched her life deeply as well. She has had to deal with way too much, way too soon, in her young life. Thus, there is no alternative but for me to become a survivor. And I will.

My daughter has been very happy to see so many of you, my readers, who leave very positive and helpful comments to my posts. I also receive email on a regular basis from a number of you... also, always, very positive and helpful. I feel very blessed. There have been so many times that your words have helped me through the difficult times. Thank you for being here for me. And thank you for also showing my daughter there are very good people in this world. Among my readers are so many of you that, even though we haven't met in person, have still impacted my life forever.

Monday Blues

So much for thinking this chemo was going to go better. I had my blood draw today and it is all over the place again. This time things are high in places they have never been high before (and shouldn't be) and the same with the low stuff. Very confusing. And since this morning today has been a downward slide of getting sicker and sicker and more pain. I called oncology and they told me this is Taxol doing a job on me and that it is likely I will feel like this for a few days.

So now all I keep thinking is only three more chemos to go and then I am done. Only three more chemos to go and then I am done. Only three more chemos to go...........

So Far after Chemo #5

Chemo #5 has left me wiped out after the steroids wore off and the pain set in. Pain? Oh, yes, when they say there is a certain percentage of those that will get stabbing, aching, muscle, bone, joint, cursing, you are getting beat up type pain, I got it. But when I called them at 3:00 a.m. they understood right away from my description and a few hours later captain morphine had come to my aid. I have had a few bouts of nausea and vomiting but nothing compared to what it was like after each A/C. I am extremely tired and I am sure the morphine isn't exactly helping with that any right now. And I would rather have the morphine than the pain. Over all my mental state seems to be better. It isn't dragging me down as far as the A/C did. I like that a lot. My concentration level has been far worse though. It is a major effort to get anythng done, but that is working out ok because half the time I can't remember what it was I was supposed to be doing! :>) I do go through periods of feeling really good and then within minutes I feel really bad, completely drained and weak and all I can do is go lay down. The metallic taste in my mouth is different and a little nastier, but I am using Biotene toothpaste several times a day and that seems to help some. Overall, either I am getting used to the way chemo is or this chemo is one that I can deal with a little better. Which ever it is, I hope it stays that way!

Am still having one problem that was consistant from the start with A/C. My blood pressure jumps all over the board. The doctor doesn't have an answer for it. For the first six to seven days after each chemo it goes as high as 189/123 then down to 155/109 then back up. Then it starts a decline until it gets down to around 109/78, before it starts to get to my normal range. It seems when it is low like that my blood count has also dropped out. (My normal blood pressure is 130/85...and it is a controlled blood pressure as I have been taking blood pressure pills for about seven years now. When I was put on blood pressure pills, my blood pressure was 200/120 and I had a non-functioning kidney that was later removed). Sure wish I knew what is causing the variances in the pressure. It scares me sometimes.

Messin' with my template

As you can tell I have been messing with my template. Am really tired of the massive quantity of pink. Never have been a girlie pink sort. Breast cancer awareness or not. So....I'm trying to get blue all the way down the sides, and leaving the pink at the top, bottom and in the center, but it isn't working! Will come back when I am not so tired. Off to rest/nap for a bit......

I'm back. Ah, how a nap and a few hours difference makes. Now the blue comes all the way down and I have made various other tweaks that I am happy with. Changed the heading...to just sunnyside2day. It is just so much easier than some long title up there. Also added my picture. This is actually the picture off my drivers license taken this year at time of renewal on my 53rd birthday. (Me? Procrastinate in things like waiting until the last minute to get my drivers license renewed? I'll have to get back to you on that tomorrow.) Rarely do I get a picture that I like, but this one is fairly good and it is the only one I have with just me in it...so it does the job.

Hope you like the tweaking on my template. I do for now. But knowing how I am I'll like it for a while and then get tired of it again and have to make more changes. Until then...this will do.

Cancer Awareness

October brings us Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Over the years, I have been aware of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but only on a very light scale. Through the Breast Cancer Awareness program though, I did learn some time ago how to correctly do a self breast exam at home. Without that resource and knowledge, there is a good chance I would never have found the first lump of three in my left breast. The other two lumps were not even seen on the mammogram that followed after I found the first lump, but they where there, the second one was found when the lumpendectomy was done and the third was found against my breast wall when the mastectomy was done. If I had not found that first lump myself, in the relatively timely fashion that I did, I can only speculate what the outcome would have been. I have also been informed by two of my doctors that more women find their own lumps by doing the self exam than any other method of testing that is done. So it is obvious the education put forth by Breast Cancer Awareness month has been successful.

In the process of learning about breast cancer, I have also been learning about other cancers and paying closer attention to them. In doing so, I have found some issues that I feel need to be addressed. There are over 200 different types of cancers, yet there are only a few that you hear about in the media with publicity to increase awareness, early detection, donations and funding. Breast Cancer seems to be the leader and Prostate Cancer is starting to pick up speed. There is a smattering of awareness programs for Ovarian Cancer, Colon Cancer and Leukemia, but from there it seems to drop off, with others only being mentioned on occasion. For many types of cancers, the only time you will hear about them or they take front stage for a time, is when a celebrity announces they have a cancer of one type or another. And then often, even that fades into the background.

To give you an idea of the different types of cancers, I have provided a list of some of them. This is not a complete list, but it is does start to give you an idea of how many types there are and their names. If you are like most people, I am sure there are names on here that you have never heard of. Further information on many of these cancers can be found at

Oncolink

Adrenal Cancer
AIDS-related Lymphoma
Anal Cancer
Ataxia-Telangiectasia
Bladder Cancer
Brain Tumors
Brain Tumors (Childhood)
Brain Metastases
Breast Cancer
Carcinoma of Unknown Primary
Cervical Cancer
Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL)
Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML)
Colon Cancer Ovarian Cancer
Craniopharyngioma
Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma/Mycosis Fungoides
Endometrial and Uterine Cancer
Esophageal Cancer
Ewing's Sarcoma
Fallopian Tube Cancer
Gallbladder Cancer
Gastric Cancer
Gestational Trophoblastic Disease and Choriocarcinoma
Hairy Cell Leukemia
Head and Neck Cancer
Hodgkin's Disease
Kaposi's Sarcoma
Kidney Cancer
Laryngeal Cancer
Leukemia-- Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL)
Leukemia-- Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML)
Li-Fraumeni Syndrome
Liver Cancer (Childhood)
Liver Cancer (Hepatoma)
Lung Cancer
Lymphomas: Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Lymphomas: Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Medulloblastoma
Melanoma
Mesothelioma
Metastases
Myelomas
Myeloproliferative Disorders
Neuroblastoma
Non-Hodgkin's Disease
Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer
Oropharyngeal Cancers
Osteosarcoma
Pancreatic Cancer
Parathyroid Cancer
Penile Cancer
Pituitary Cancer
Prostate Cancer
Rectal Cancer
Retinoblastoma
Rhabdomyosarcoma and Other Soft-Tissue Sarcomas
Sarcomas: Osteosarcoma
Sarcomas: Rhabdomyosarcoma
Small Intestine Cancers
Small-Cell Lung Cancer
Testicular Cancer
Thymoma
Thyroid Cancer
Urethral Cancer
Vaginal Cancer
Vulvar Cancer
Wilms' Tumor

Each type of cancer has its own set of symptoms. How many can you name along with their symptoms? Symptoms for some of these cancers are as follows. The following information was obtained from:

The Cancer Cure Foundation - Symptoms

Bladder cancer: Blood in the urine, pain or burning upon urination; frequent urination; or cloudy urine

Bone cancer: Pain in the bone or swelling around the affected site; fractures in bones; weakness, fatigue; weight loss; repeated infections; nausea, vomiting, constipation, problems with urination; weakness or numbness in the legs; bumps and bruises that persist

Brain cancer: Dizziness; drowsiness; abnormal eye movements or changes in vision; weakness, loss of feeling in arms or legs or difficulties in walking; fits or convulsions; changes in personality, memory or speech; headaches that tend to be worse in the morning and ease during the day, that may be accompanied by nausea or vomiting

Breast cancer: A lump or thickening of the breast; discharge from the nipple; change in the skin of the breast; a feeling of heat; or enlarged lymph nodes under the arm

Colon/Colorectal cancer: Rectal bleeding (red blood in stools or black stools); abdominal cramps; constipation alternating with diarrhea; weight loss; loss of appetite; weakness; pallid complexion

Kidney cancer: Blood in urine; dull ache or pain in the back or side; lump in kidney area, sometimes accompanied by high blood pressure or abnormality in red blood cell count

Leukemia: Weakness, paleness; fever and flu-like symptoms; bruising and prolonged bleeding; enlarged lymph nodes, spleen, liver; pain in bones and joints; frequent infections; weight loss; night sweats

Lung cancer: Wheezing, persistent cough for months; blood-streaked sputum; persistent ache in chest; congestion in lungs; enlarged lymph nodes in the neck

Melanoma: Change in mole or other bump on the skin, including bleeding or change in size, shape, color, or texture

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma: Painless swelling in the lymph nodes in the neck, underarm, or groin; persistent fever; feeling of fatigue; unexplained weight loss; itchy skin and rashes; small lumps in skin; bone pain; swelling in the abdomen; liver or spleen enlargement

Oral cancer: A lump in the mouth, ulceration of the lip, tongue or inside of the mouth that does not heal within a couple of weeks; dentures that no longer fit well; oral pain, bleeding, foul breath, loose teeth, and changes in speech

Ovarian cancer: Abdominal swelling; in rare cases, abnormal vaginal bleeding; digestive discomfort

Pancreatic cancer: Upper abdominal pain and unexplained weight loss; pain near the center of the back; intolerance of fatty foods; yellowing of the skin; abdominal masses; enlargement of liver and spleen

Prostate cancer: Urination difficulties due to blockage of the urethra; bladder retains urine, creating frequent feelings of urgency to urinate, especially at night; bladder not emptying completely; burning or painful urination; bloody urine; tenderness over the bladder; and dull ache in the pelvis or back

Stomach cancer: Indigestion or heartburn; discomfort or pain in the abdomen; nausea and vomiting; diarrhea or constipation; bloating after meals; loss of appetite; weakness and fatigue; bleeding - vomiting blood or blood in the stool

Uterine cancer: Abnormal vaginal bleeding, a watery bloody discharge in postmenopausal women; a painful urination; pain during intercourse; pain in pelvic area

There are many advanced tests available for early detection. Please check the out the following website for information on tests as well.

The Cancer Cure Foundation

I recently came across a blog of a woman who goes by Elnser.
She has Ovarian Cancer. Her post, titled “I Think I Got the Wrong Cancer (a vent/opinion)” has further insight into how it feels to have a type of cancer that doesn’t get the fan-fair that another cancer does. I agree with her thoughts. It is a very isolating feeling to have a cancer that doesn’t seem to be as important to the world as another type of cancer.

In as much as I am very grateful that Breast Cancer is being addressed so heavily at a time when I have it, I feel it is important for equal attention to be given to all cancers. Yes, of course, I feel my life and my becoming a survivor is important, but the saving of my life should not take precedence over also saving the life of someone with Ovarian Cancer or Brain Cancer or any Cancer for that matter. Cancer is cancer. Awareness, early detection information, equal funding for research and cures of all cancers needs to be made and put in the public eye for all to become informed.

So here is my tribute and promotion to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But let us consider a new agenda. An agenda for an overall ongoing Cancer Awareness program that brings forth information, early detection knowledge, funding, donations, and fund raising events for ALL cancers on a regular basis. Every one, no matter what type of cancer, what their age, or their status in life, rich or poor, well known or not, should be entitled to have the same chance to live and become survivors of this horrid disease called Cancer.

Chemo #5 Administered!

Today went well. Mega dose of steroids, benadryl and then the chemo, Taxol. No allergic reaction of any type. Long day, but good day over all.

My daughter went with and I am so glad she was there in case something went wrong. It was very comforting to have her there. I know she started to get anxious with the long time frame.....a seven hour day of being there plus the travel time of over four hours because we had to make two other short stops also.

When we got there we noticed a strange noise coming from the front left wheel area. We weren't able to check it until after we left though due to getting there in the nick of time, and after the session I was flying high on the steroids. Full steam ahead enough that I told her I have a brilliant idea for checking out the wheel. Feeling invincible and very strong at the moment, I told her I would just lift up the front of the car and she could look underneath! She had already been observing how the steroids were affecting me so she got a good laugh on that one. Don't worry, I didn't try it! :>)

Sorry about all the misspelled words in my last post. I guess I was even more tired than I knew! I will get around to (maybe) making proper corrections one of these days, but right now it isn't a top priority. Hopefully when I look at this post I am posting right now, tomorrow, I won't find the same problem! Typing on steroids makes for some strange writing! Sleeping ought to be a blast tonight too!

Chemo # 5

Tomorrow morning, (Monday), is Chemo #5. New chemo: Taxol with steriod chasers! Or is that steriods with chemo for the chaser? Whichever, it is the start of something new and also the start of the second half of my chemo. After this only three more to go. I can't even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to the end of chemo!

My daughter is going with me. I know it is going to be a very long rather boring day for her as it would be for most 19 year olds. We have to be there by 10:00 a.m. for labs, (which means leave here by 8:00 a.m.), 11:00 for the doctor appointment and noon for the chemo. I was told this chemo takes even longer that the A/C.

I feel bad for my daughter, money is so tight around here there isn't even enough for me to give her to buy pop or food or anything tomorrow to get through the day. And she is in the same boat right now with all the hassels going on in trying to buy a car. (Nope, we still haven't been able to solve that dilema.) So, tomorrow will be a very long day in many ways.

It is going to be a wonderful thing to get on the other side of all this! Course, in January I get to have my teeth pulled, so there is still a long road ahead. I saw the oral surgeron this last Wednesday and he explained all that needs to be done and what fun I will have afterwards for a while. I know it isn't going to be the best time of my life, but at least I won't be going through chemo at the same time, so that is a relief!

I feel like I am rambling here. Sorry about that. I am really tired tonight. If I wait a little while the steriods that I took already might kick in, but then I could be in a world of trouble and no sleep before I need to take the next batch. And that doesn't sound like a good plan to me. So, I'm off to bed.

Those were the days …. And then there is Now …..

Please, oh please, take me back to the good old days of the $100.00 wonder cars. Those great cars that looked rough and the mileage was some figure that no one could verify because the odometers didn’t go that high. They could last you anywhere from one day to five years. But heck, for a $100.00 (and often less) you would take a chance and it would get you by.

Today’s $100.00 wonder comes in at around two grand. Sure, there are cars out there for less ... and those are REALLY scary!

Ok, so now we have established the baseline. $2,000.00 will get you a car that generally has around 150,000 to 200,000 miles on it and it is guaranteed that grandpa didn’t put those miles on. That is a lot of money for a car that might make it one day or five years. Big crap shoot!

Working our way up to a car that has mileage that makes sense (maybe), looks reasonable and actually runs to boot, a person is now looking at $6,000 and up. And sure, everyone has that type of money just sitting in their wallet waiting to go to their nearest car dealership.

So, now we have established the first of the criteria, a person has to get a LOAN to get a car. But there is a catch. In order to get a loan you have to have credit of some type. Heck, even bad credit counts as credit of some type. If you don’t have credit, you can’t get a loan to establish credit. It doesn’t matter how good your job is, you still need credit to get credit.

So, now we have established the second criteria. If you have no credit, you will need a co-signer. And the co-signer has to have credit AND they seem to think the co-signer should have a job too. Geez, this is getting so complicated!

All my daughter wants is a car she can 1)afford (which personally I think is a very good idea to keep it in that range) 2) that looks reasonably nice (nothing fancy mind you, just not dented, rusted, crappy looking) as she has a job that it does make a difference, 3) is big enough to hold the photo studio setup she needs to cart around, but efficient enough to still get good gas mileage as her job requires a lot of traveling, 4) a car that will last that traveling she has to do for her job (Wisconsin, Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Indiana and sometimes even as far away as Pennsylvania etc.) and 5) that will hopefully last long enough to make it beyond the final payment. Is that too much too ask?

YEP! It seems it is. There is a definite conflict here. Price versus the rest of the needs. Then add the fact that she doesn’t have any credit yet and needs a co-signer that has both credit and a job. Well, I fit one of the two. I have credit. Maybe not the best in the world, due to various circumstances, but I have credit all the same. Lucky me. But the job thing .... well, we all know what happened to that the day I told my boss of nine years that I have cancer! End of job! Vanished. Evaporated into thin air! Amazing how I could be so needed and appreciated for nine years and have it change in two seconds! (I’ll have to remember to write him a thank you note someday! ...never mind, I would probably be arrested if I did that!)

In my previous post I noted that my daughter had a pre-approved loan at a dealership, (which is another very long story) and that is where we went today. When we got there we met with the salesman that we had been dealing with on the phone up to this point. I will refer to him from here on as “Mr. F” (no I am not being a smart ass ... his name did actually start with F). My daughter and I had already checked out their used cars on their website and had an idea of what would fit in her price range. As we started looking around the lot, Mr. F. filled us in on a little information he seemed to have forgotten to tell us on the phone prior to driving the 70 miles to his car lot. The loan is only good for a certain type and name brand of car. AND he only has one car that fits the requirements.

My daughter and I looked at each other and we didn’t even have to speak to know what we were each thinking! But, because of the bind she is in right now (no car, a job that has to have a car, and only one day every two weeks that she can even look for a car, because otherwise she is on the road for her job) she decided to at least check it out. When we walked up to “THE” car, the look on her face was priceless. Problem one. Too small. Problem two, twice as much money as she said she wanted and felt comfortable to spend. When we asked what the interest rate would be? Mr. F. replied with “15.1% and the payments would be around $300.00 a month”. My daughter’s jaw dropped. Add insurance to that and she is looking at $450.00 a month ... maybe more, plus maintenance etc. Mr. F’s response, “well, at least it is a car that you can get a loan on.” Great! A loan that is way too much money, that most likely will become a major burden and end up in late payments or worse and I get to co-sign to boot! Wow, what a deal! NOT! By the way, the car was priced at $1500.00 over high blue book and they stated they couldn't lower the price because of THE special loan they were doing. Plus there were some major problems with the car. We didn’t just walk. We ran! Oh, we were nice about it. Thanked him and all that, but explained that she wants to make sure she can DO this and do it RIGHT. She is trying so hard to make sure she can afford the car and the insurance and that the car will fits her needs.

So now we are back to square one. No car. No credit. No loan. No immediate cash to buy one and no time to save to do so as a car is needed now. Not later. Later equals no job anymore. No job anymore….well I guess I don’t have to go into detail with that one!

So that was our day. If you are ever in Milwaukee looking to buy a car, we can tell you the names of a salesman and dealership you might want to avoid. Just drop me a line and I would be happy to provide the information.

We can also tell you the name of a dealership and a salesman that are great. Also in Milwaukee. (Part of the original long story that I haven’t told yet). Even though this salesman and this dealership have not been able put my daughter and a car together, the personalized care we have received has been fantastic. These people listen. These people care. These people will try very very hard to make something work. (The hangup we had is her lack of credit and my lack of job for co-signer status.) The dealership name? Saturn of Milwaukee. The salesman’s name: Brent Biesterfeld. And please, tell him Mary and Darci sent you. (The chemo-bald one and the tall one) No, we don’t get anything for the name dropping. We just want to let him know we appreciate everything he tried to do for us. There is another person there that deserves recognition too, Joyce in Financing. We can’t say enough good about these people. I never thought I would actually find a car dealership that I would ever recommend to anyone. But this one is different. Much different. Someday, we hope to be in a better position to be able to buy a car from them. Until that time, all we can do is pass along their names to others that may be in need of good care and a good vehicle.

My daughter just checked her voice mail on her cell phone and guess what. Mr F called and left a message for her. Quote "I have great news for you". Yah, I bet he does!

Current Events

1) Thank you Heather at http://epnurse.blogspot.com for helping me with my blog loading problem in IE. Your suggestion worked perfectly. Due to that, I knew what to look for in my hubby's blog and he fixed his as well.

2) Yep, Friday was blood draw day. Yep, after results were in, received the expected call from the oncologist office. This time they let me know my counts are "very dangerously low". We discussed, I told her I know the drill.... I also discussed that I am starting to wonder if the steriod I get with chemo and for the next two days after might be part of my getting so sick every time problem. She said I may have some valid concerns. I will be talking to my doctor soon.......

3) I am very glad that Rita did not do the damage that it could have, but I am still sad that it did still do damage. On a good note, I am very very glad that the people that could have been affected were not. I have heard from all but one of them and everyone was either not close enough to be affected or managed to evacuate. I am still waiting to hear from one though.......... but I am guessing they are fine with the way Rite ended up going.

4) Tomorrow, my daugher and I will do the thrilling task of going to a car dealership to buy a car. Her car blew up...oil and water now in places they shouldn't be ... a couple of weeks ago and it has been a very stressful time since. Loan places don't want to give loans to 19 year olds anymore without a co-signer and for some reason they seem to think the co-signer should be employed also, which as we know, I am not. Just seems no one has a sense of humor anymore. Due to a chain of events, which I will discuss when I am not so tired, a dealership finally agreed to work out a pre-approved loan for her and will allow me to co-sign. We have never been to this dealership (which is located in Milwuakee), so we have no idea what to expect, or what type of cars they have on their lot. After everything we have been through on this though, there are no choices but to buy a car on this lot. Otherwise she doesn't have a car and she will then be fired from her job. And if she is fired from her job, she won't be able to buy a car. And living in rural America the way we do, she has to have a car to have a job. There are no jobs to be had in this little burg we live in. As I think I have mentioned before, we even have to travel a minimum of 9 miles to get to the nearest gas station. So..... tomorrow could be interesting, but hopefully it will work out fine.

5) This is actually creepy…..

Study Finds Higher Rate of Disease in Left-Handed Women

My daughter is left handed.

Blogger / Blogspot Problem?

Sometime last week hubby and I both noticed a problem when some blogger blogs load in IE (Internet Explorer) including ours. I also just read on another blogger post that they too are having the same problem.

When bringing up either of our blogs in Firefox (which is the browser we use), they load fine. All columns, left and right, are where they should be. When loading in IE the posts column loads fine but the profile, links, etc column either doesn't load or it loads way far down on the page past the end of the posts column.

I have written to blogger concerning this, but have not received a reply.

Is anyone else having this problem? Does anyone know how to correct it?

May I not speak too soon....

Just a quick update... yes, I have been pretty darn sick again, but today, I am feeling somewhat better. Still very fatigued, stomach problems, eating problems etc. and I can tell my counts are dropping out, but I am certainly feeling better than the last few days. I am hoping I am not speaking too soon and things keep improving. :>)

On another note...

I am very concerned for the bloggers I correspond with who are in the Texas area where Hurricane Rita is projected to hit. Please.... may you and your loved ones be safe. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you.

On The Lighter Side

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Vector Skier Your Superpower is Electrocution Your Weakness is Quizzes Your Weapon is Your Plasma Lance Your Mode of Transportation is Canoe

What's your Superhero Name?

My weapon is Plasma Lance......whoa..... Plasma = blood type stuff.....hmmm.... I think I will have to think about that one! But I do believe a canoe would be a good idea as I think I need something to keep me afloat right now!

My blood counts were low again last Friday.... really low. But I know the drill now... stay home, don't touch people, don't let them touch me, don't touch fresh fruits and veggies, watch my temperature, watch my blood pressure, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Tomorrow is chemo #4. The half way point. I am looking forward to it and dreading it, both at the same time. And for good reason! Both of them!

An interesting observation:

For years I have worn jeans. I have even managed to have jobs where jeans were ok in the office. For years, I have carried a comb in the back left pocket of my jeans. Always. It would get transferred from one days jeans to the next days jeans. Recently, I realized that I am still transferring that comb from one pair of jeans to the next. I don't know where I think I am going to find hair to comb, but I am still carrying the comb! I guess old habits really are hard to break!

Maybe I'm just looking forward to the day my hair grows back. It is already growing back, but certainly an eighth of an inch is not enough to warrant a comb yet. Oh, and by the way, for those that don't know me in person, my hair color prior to chemo - dark brown; my hair color as it is growing back in after chemo fallout - white with strands of dark brown throughout. And at this point it is white white..... not grey, white. I think it is kinda cool, but I may just be blinded by the fact that I am happy as hell it is growing back! I am hoping the new chemo drug Taxol, which I will be receiving for the last four chemo sessions, (after tomorrows chemo), doesn't make the little bit of growth I have fall out again.

Hopefully I will be posting again soon. Hopefully this chemo will be nicer to my body. If not, I will blog again as soon as I can.

The week that lasted forever.....

Have you ever had a week that lasted forever? And during that week were you so out of things that you actually missed the week all together? Well, that is how it has been for me for the last seven days……… the week from hell. I have been so damn sick that I wasn’t able to do anything. The simple things like getting out of bed, breathing, eating, talking, concentration, etc. were real problems! As the days came and went I realized they all just blended into each other.

I had chemo number three on Friday, September 2nd. I still had not recovered fully from chemo number two that was done two weeks earlier. I won’t bother to mention all the gory details…the summary: it hasn’t been fun. Tuesday was the worst day…..and I should have been scared out of my wits, but I was too sick to even care.

It has become obvious that I am not one of those people whose body just slides through chemo with minimum problems. Nope. My body hates chemo. That is all there is to it. And for those who are quick to say “just keep a positive attitude”, let me tell you, I have a positive attitude and it IS my positive attitude that is keeping me going. But, I am tired of hearing “just keep a positive attitude” And for those that like to sit there and pass judgment, making it seem like it is my fault. It isn’t.

After talking to a number of people that have either gone through chemo or had a close loved one go through it, there is a general agreement that the rosy picture the media and in some cases, even the medical profession, are trying to feed us that chemo has gotten so much better over the last few years is a very dangerous picture to paint. They are even doing it on TV commercials. You know the ones. The ones where they tell you “I’m ready for chemo now” because the patient will be taking this or that drug and they are going to do chemo and then go spend a wonderful time with their grandchildren etc. B.S. While that may be true for some, it is certainly not true for everyone. To be giving this type of idea to the general population is doing a terrible injustice to those that don’t have an easy time with chemo or other cancer therapies. It unjustly places fault directly on the patient at a time in their life that can be most damaging. A cancer patient has enough to contend with, they don’t need to be needlessly feeling like are a loser too.

A while back I read a comment left by a reader on a cancer blog that stated “Cancer requires a massive amount of bravery. I have known many people who have simply given up because of how miserable the treatment can make them.” In reference to this statement it becomes apparent that this person most likely has never dealt with cancer or the treatments first hand. Yes, there may be a few cancer patients that "simply give up" but for the majority, it is a much more complex decision than that. Cancer not only invades the body, it invades the emotional and mental well being of a person. Cancer is brutal. The treatments are brutal. Cancer does not just affect the person that has been diagnosed; it directly affects every person close to them.

For some cancer patients, they believe that to allow death is to allow life for everyone around them. For some, the pain they see and feel their loved ones deal with day in and day out, as the cancer patient deals with each issue, is very hard. They want to release that person from the pain. For some, they may not have the health care that is supportive enough. Some do not have the support of those around them. Some have information from their health care providers that they do not share with their loved ones. Some are told they aren’t “positive” enough. Some are even made to believe it is their entire fault, that if they had just lived a better life, they wouldn’t have gotten cancer. If that were the case, please explain to me why there are so many people on death row in prisons that have murdered people in horrible ways and done other human atrocities that are healthy as can be.

For those that think all it takes is a positive attitude, think carefully before you speak this thought to a cancer patient. And for those that think a cancer patient “simply gives up”, think again. Cancer is not simple. The decisions that have to be made once diagnosed are not simple. Until you walk in a cancer patient’s shoes, you will never know how it really feels or what it takes to deal with the issues involved.

If you are wondering after this rant, if I am deciding on not going through any more chemo…..wonder no further. I am continuing. I will succeed. I will survive. But I also am now learning that not only do I have to fight the chemo, I have to fight my body’s reaction to chemo.

And as far as being positive. Yep, I am positive. I am positive now that cancer sucks, chemo sucks, low blood counts suck, not being able to work sucks and only having occasional glimpses at a life right now sucks.

Let's Show Them We Care... Let's GiveThem A Future

Watching the live stream coverage of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama online since Saturday has been heart wrenching. The worse part is that each day, instead of improving, things are getting worse and worse for the people in these states. My tears have streamed down as I have watched the horror unfolding for these people. The lives that have been lost, the lives that have been transformed and everything these people had and knew that was lost in a matter of minutes/hours is mind boggling. There were those that got through the hurricane itself with their lives and belongings. Briefly, they may have thought they were going to be O.K. Now even these people have lost everything. And more lives have been lost. I fear for the survivors. They need our help.

These people are our own. We have rushed in to help those in other countries upon disasters striking. Now, disaster has struck here. It is imperative we help our own.

I have listed various phone numbers below of organizations you can contact to make donations. In almost all cases, these organizations can be located online and accept donations online as well.

From the CNN.com website:

The Federal Emergency Management Agency lists these organizations for those seeking to assist victims of Hurricane Katrina:

Donate cash
American Red Cross (800) HELP NOW (435-7669) English; (800) 257-7575 Spanish
Operation Blessing (800) 436-6348
America's Second Harvest (800) 344-8070

To donate cash or volunteer
Adventist Community Services (800) 381-7171
Catholic Charities, USA (703) 549-1390
Christian Disaster Response (941) 956-5183 or (941) 551-9554
Christian Reformed World Relief Committee (800) 848-5818
Church World Service (800) 297-1516
Convoy of Hope (417) 823-8998
Lutheran Disaster Response (800) 638-3522
Mennonite Disaster Service (717) 859-2210
Nazarene Disaster Response (888) 256-5886
Presbyterian Disaster Assistance (800) 872-3283
Salvation Army (800) SAL-ARMY (725-2769)
Southern Baptist Convention -- Disaster Relief (800) 462-8657, ext. 6133
United Methodist Committee on Relief (800) 554-8583

Please find it in your heart to donate. ANY AMOUNT is appreciated. All amounts will be used. Don’t think that just because it is a small amount that you should just forget it, that it won’t matter. It WILL matter. Every single dollar will help get these people food, clothing, shelter, medicine, and medical attention. Many will need help for a very, very long time.

Prayers are also needed. Regardless of your personal beliefs, all positive energies directed to those in need can very well make a difference.

---for those wondering, yes, I have made a donation to the Red Cross 2005 Hurricane Relief Fund. (The bill collectors have waited this long, they can wait longer.... Sometimes, there are far more important things that need to be addressed and this is one of those times.) I personally chose the Red Cross because I wanted to make sure the money was put into immediate needs. But there are other organizations that will take over after the Red Cross leaves and this is going to be very much needed also. So please consider these as well.

Hurricane Katrina

As I sit here watching the live stream news and videos coming out of New Orleans, I find myself dealing with a number of emotions.

First and foremost is sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their lives. Lost their lives because some felt they had no alternatives. Some who lost their lives because they were too caught up in material items to leave them behind. Some who lost their lives because they were in that place and moment in time where a life was taken. And then there is my sadness for the people who have just lost everything they own, their homes, their jobs, their businesses. Their lives have been changed forever.

Secondly, I feel despair. Despair because so many people were still in the city that would have liked to have been able to leave but couldn’t. Many of them couldn’t because they didn’t have a vehicle to do so. Looking at the videos there is a common item throughout frame after frame. Vehicles. Vehicles parked. Vehicles under water. Vehicles floating. Vehicles that were left behind by those that either had more than one vehicle or vehicles owned by those who chose to not leave. Why didn’t the owners of the vehicles that were just sitting there or were being left behind throw the car keys to someone that didn’t have a car that DID want to leave? What would have the harm been to do this? Did they really believe that they were going to come back and find their vehicles still parked safely as they left them? If they did, then they sure weren’t actually realizing why they were even leaving. But earlier, on Saturday and again on Sunday, they showed videos of people leaving and they did indeed know why they were leaving. They knew New Orleans was facing massive destruction. And they knew that destruction was most likely going to be all encompassing. It sure wasn’t going to just destroy everything else and leave all the vehicles left behind alone.

There have been various times in my life that I had done various things for people because it was what was needed at the time. Had I been in New Orleans this weekend and had an extra car, I would have given the keys to another so they too, could get out. I would have simply given them my name, address (as I knew it at the moment), phone number or some other reference information and said, “Go. Go with my blessings.” And I would not have worried about it any further. If the car came back someday, great. If it didn’t, so what? From the experiences in my past, I have learned most people would go out of their way to make sure the vehicle got back to the person that lent it to them under these types of conditions. And to save another’s life would have been fantastic. A life is priceless. A car can be replaced eventually.

I also find myself appalled. There have been several videos shown of people staying and drinking in the French Quarter while evacuation orders were in place. Drinking and partying. Standing in the streets singing as the rains starting coming in. Why does alcohol have such a strong force to alter logic? What the heck were these people thinking? And where are these people today? I hope they were able to find logic eventually. I hope they are safe. I hope they now realize that not everything is cause for a party. I truly hope they had the hell scared out of them.

Lastly, I have become thoroughly disgusted upon hearing there are people already looting. Looting! For what good reason? I guess there are things that I will never understand. Just what do these people think they are really getting away with? They are not stealing food items and coats or shoes to survive. No. They have been seen taking electronics, jewelry and other items that certainly can not be considered survival necessities. If they were stealing for survival, I think it could be understood, perhaps even forgiven. But to take just because they think they can? And where the heck are they planning on 1) storing these items? and 2) plugging these items in or using them? What the heck is the purpose here?

For a number of those who have survived throughout Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama, survival will be bleak. While many will rebuild, recoup, others will never be able to recover. The areas hit hard by hurricane Katrina are also among the poorest areas of this country. For a large number of those fortunate enough to hold full time jobs prior to Katrina, there are no jobs to go back to. Many will not have insurance to cover their losses. The few articles of clothing and items with them are now all they have.

It is a very sad day indeed. My heart and prayers go out to everyone affected by Katrina.

Neutrophils and other blood things running amok

Look at all these big words I am learning. And they say they can’t teach an old dog new tricks. HA!

Once again, today’s lesson is brought to you because of cancer cells that decided to go on their own little mission in my body. Thanks to these cancer cells, which brought on chemo, which bring on blood draws and other fun stuff, today I again learned the meaning of Neutrophils and how a low count like 8 is not a good thing.

(link to info on Neutrophils)

Perhaps I should confess. I actually learned the word Neutrophils after my first chemo. It was the zero Neutrophils count (yes, I printed that correctly, my count was ZERO at time of admission) along with other wonderful low numbers that they said should be high numbers and one or two high numbers that they said should be low numbers, that landed me in the hospital.

So I count myself lucky this time. I am here writing this instead of being awoken at odd hours of the morning to see if I am sleeping OK in some strange uncomfortable bed that if you push the wrong button you will fold up in the shape of a skinny letter “V”.

Due to the results of my blood draw today, I got an immediate phone call from the cancer center. I get to be on house arrest until further notice without the benefit of a stylish ankle bracelet like Martha Stewart gets to wear. (I wonder if they make them in pink?) And if things don’t improve dramatically, I get to miss my next scheduled chemo this coming Friday, too.

The call did make me feel very good about my new choice of cancer centers. The nurse was very helpful, very informative, very nice and most of all….very concerned. After speaking with her I realized why I have been feeling so crappy the last couple of days. I did everything possible this time to make this second chemo a good experience (somehow the words “chemo” and “good experience” seem to contradict each other). I wanted so much to just get this going, continue going and get to the other side. But I guess my body has something else in mind. (What I didn’t tell her, but I am now suspecting is that yesterday, my counts were probably even lower and today they are actually on the UPSWING!) But you can be darn sure, I am going to be very careful and watch things closely over the next few days/week!

Dreaming

Time to change the subject….for a bit at least. Actually I have to admit I was getting rather bored with writing about cancer and/or treatments all the time anyway.

I am sitting here are 2:39 a.m., technically it is Friday morning, writing this. I awoke from the strangest dream. This makes two nights in a row (that I remember) with weird dreams. Dreams that border on nightmares but do not quite cross the line.

Tonight I was dreaming in German. How the heck can I dream in German? I don’t know a single word of German. Yet, here I was, in Germany, walking down a street, in Germany, and I went into a library. German, of course. It was a very long, building and had various levels within. The ceilings were very tall and the sculpture on the walls very ornate. There were rows and rows of books, some of which were centuries old. People were talking to me in German and I did not understand all of it, but I seemed to understand enough to make sense.

The dream is already fading, but when I first woke up, I vaguely remembered dreaming in German last night, too.

Yes, I do have fairly strong German ancestry. My dad’s side. In fact my maiden name is of German decent. But what the heck can dreaming in German mean? I have never been to Germany. No one in my family speaks German. The only one that might have been able to speak any amount of German would have been my Grandmother and she passed many years ago. I do not remember her speaking German, I just believe she knew some and I may even be wrong about her knowing any German at all.

???????

Yesterday was not good. As the day progressed it got worse. Is this typical? Five days after chemo?

This morning I am somewhat better but still not feeling too good. I am hoping it gets better as this day goes on.

Also, can someone please tell me how to get rid of this awful taste in my mouth? It is there all the time now. I can’t tell if foods are good or bad or maybe even spoiled. Nothing tastes right. Everything has this awful taste. And the taste is making me sick to my stomach.

What a difference!!!!!

To this point, chemo #2 has been an entirely different experience than chemo #1. Everyone who saw me or spoke to me after I was given chemo #1 and has now seen or spoke to me after chemo #2 has been amazed. It has become very obvious to all that I received very poor health care at the first facility for chemo #1. It is also becoming apparent the oncologist and the others at the first facility did not know what they were doing or didn’t pay attention to what they were doing or a combination of both.

This time, I am actually able to function. Oh, I have some of the typical things that come along with chemo such as the vomiting and the nausea….regardless of the pills I have to counteract it. The steroids supercharged me for a short time and then dropped out. (But I sure got a lot of stuff done during the supercharged state!) Odors are surrounding me where I never noticed them before and some foods just seem way too gross to even think about eating. Even some of my favorite foods just don’t seem very appealing. Then there is the normal fatigue, body weakness and achy bones. Sometimes, I simply don’t feel too good.

The new cancer center showed me how to give myself the Neulasta shot and I did it just fine the next day after chemo. The pain in my bones from the Neulasta is being kept down due to the pain pills but at the same time, I have only had to take a couple of the pain pills. My teeth are not bothering me at all. I find that one very interesting! And it isn’t because I had a lot of work done on them between this chemo and the first one…..I didn’t. All the dentist had time to do was clean them. I will be going back in after all the chemo and have the rest of the work done on my teeth that is needed. It can’t be put off forever, but at least, as far as I am concerned, the reactions I am showing to chemo #2 has proven it was not my teeth that caused all the problems and certainly did not cause my near death experience with chemo #1!

I realize it is still early. I just had session number two on Friday and this is only Tuesday, but at this same time frame last time, I was so weak I couldn’t get out of bed for any length of time, I was having trouble walking, the pain I was enduring was excruciating, I couldn’t focus my eyes and it was a major effort to talk.

You can be sure I am keeping a close eye on everything right now. Friday I will have my blood draw done to see what my counts are. Those numbers should also tell a story all in themselves!

Very Strange!

Currently 10:37 a.m. Sunday

Couldn't sleep last night. Energy level is super high. Feel like I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Having trouble sitting still. My hands are actually shaking from the energy rush. When I crash down from this I have a feeling it is gonna be a big crash and burn!

Today’s Update – (After Chemo #2 yesterday)

So far, so good! Look, I’m even able to look at the monitor and tap the keys to make words!

What a difference from chemo round number one!

My observations/body feeling/mental feelings summary for yesterday and up to now:
Feeling overall pretty damn good!
Eyes are only slightly sensitive to light.
Ears have become more sensitive to sounds. (some are bothering the heck out me!)
No headache! No migraine this time!
No nausea thus far – probably because of the great nausea pills I am taking
Started getting acid reflux and heartburn – but took the pills they gave me and it is being kept at bay
Body is achy, but nothing I can’t deal with.
Face is a flushed red color, but I am not running a fever.
Body temperature is having some difficulty staying regulated.
Eating is not a problem.
But I am losing my appetite… simply am not hungry.
Drinking fluids is not a problem and I am making sure to down all the fluids as they recommended. (Could be why I am not hungry!)
Sense of smell is increasing slightly.
Worse reactions thus far: Sinus pressure set in (started yesterday) and is building, today fatigue and mild weakness is setting in.
I did need to take a nap today.

Gave myself the shot of Neulasta at 4:30 this afternoon – no problem! Easy to do!

At around 9:30, started to feel bone pain from the Neulasta, especially in my face, jaw, head, neck, shoulders. My face feels hot, especially in the upper jaw area, but still not running a fever. Took one of the heavy duty pain pills that they gave me and all I have is a very slight residue left. I am allowed to take two of them at a time at a time, but I chose not to because I wasn’t waiting to see if the pain was going to keep increasing, Due to experience from first chemo, I already know that it will…..so I figured catching it this early, one pill should do it. I will take second one only if I have to. I do not like pain pills and how they make me feel, but I like pain even less, so I only take what I absolutely need to.

I feel like a mini pharmacy. To keep which pills I am taking at what time and when I take them straight, I made a form with all the meds listed, color and size of each for recognition purposes, dosages and directions, what the pills are for and a mini day by day weekly calendar to enter the times I take them. This way, not only I know what they are and when I last took one, but my family will know too.

So that is my update for today. I am looking forward to still feeling well enough to do another update tomorrow. Until then, I say goodnight!

Chemo #2, Second Post, Same Day!

Wow. Second post in one day!

It was a long day. Hubby and I arrived at 10:50 this morning. I was finally done at 5:00 this afternoon!

I was armed with my list and made my stand known. Yes, I was nice about it, but I WAS firm! This time I wanted answers for everything. I wanted details on everything they were doing and the exact names and specs on everything they were putting in me. I felt bad for the nurse, but my being this way is due to the lessons I learned the hard way the first time around! I did take the time to explain to her why I am being my own advocate. No, I didn’t tell her all the gory details, but enough so she could see there had been several problems before and the outcome of those problems. Once she heard them, she understood.

Here is the BIG difference from the first place I received chemo number one from. This nurse already had a lot of the information ready for me, and assured me I would be receiving it. And regarding the issues that needed to be ironed out such as coordinating between oncology and my dentist, no problem. She called him up right away and took care of it. My oncologist had forgotten to leave a prescription for pain pills for me today (she was gone today), but again, the nurse checked it out and took care of it. I did happen to mention that if the pain pills and dentist issues could not be taken care of before my chemo today, I would not be doing chemo and it would need to be rescheduled. She knew I was serious. It took about 45 minutes to get it all straighten out, but she did it and did it fantastically! And she still kept smiling!

The chemo itself was given to me at a much slower rate than the first time. Thus the reason this session was so long. The way I look at it, I have all the time in the world to live! I have no problem with their taking all the time they feel is necessary to work towards a successful session and to alleviate reactions from the chemo and/or the other meds.

And here is something else I find fantastic. My dentist is the one who called me this morning, at 9:00 a.m., as he knew I was scheduled for chemo today and he was worried that he had not been able to reach my oncologist yet. This dentist is wonderful. Talk about a doctor taking a REAL interest in their patient’s health and well being!

Yes, I think, I hope and I feel that finally I have a good team.

They gave me all kinds of things to work on keeping the nausea at bay, reducing the heartburn and acid reflux, keeping the pain to a minimum (I am hoping I don’t even get pain this time) and the shot of Neulasta, which I will be giving to myself tomorrow. The nurse sat with me and showed me how to do self injections. Before she showed me, she asked if I felt I would be able to give myself a shot. I told her that I am pretty much capable of anything I put my mind too. We both got a laugh out of that when she replied “I do believe you are. I have seen that myself today!” Yes, she did get a good dose of my strong-minded/willed side! And at least we were both able to laugh about it and part on a happy note.

Tonight I am feeling good! I am looking forward to still feeling good when I wake up in the morning.

And to my well-wishers who left me the touching comments on my first post today…… THANK YOU! I read them soon after arriving back home today and they made me feel even that much better!

(Geez, I sure hope there are not any English/grammar teachers reading this blog….I have been getting worse and worse with my sentence structure and proper noun, verb, adjective etc. usage! I can picture the marked up version, in red of course, that would be sent back to me! An “F” in grammar is short for “fabulous”, right?

Today is the day....again......

Finally today has come. Chemo number two. Seems like so long ago that I had chemo number one. It HAS been!

This one brings mixed emotions. I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to getting on with this whole thing and getting beyond it. Getting all of this behind me and getting back to living a life without treatments, doctors, blood draws, etc on a weekly/daily basis!

At the same time, I am scared of what it is going to bring after what happened with and after chemo number one.

Basically I am starting all over and am learning all new, just how chemo is REALLY going to effect me.

I do feel I am in much better hands now and professionals that know what they are doing are going to be administering it this time.

If I don't post again for days, you will know my reaction to the chemo was not good. Last time things were so bad I could not deal with lights or the monitor glare and even turning down the contrast and brightness did not help. I simply could not use the computer for several weeks..... and that one was hard to take. Computers are a huge part of my life.

But here is to chemo going much much much better this time! (Wow, English teachers all over America would cringe at that sentence!)

Looking forward to posting again soon.....

New Beginnings

As of Friday 08-12-05 – New Cancer Care Center, New Oncologist, New Schedule, Renewed (yet cautious) Spirits, Hope and Trust. The trust issue is really hard for me now. I am on the reserved side with everything that has happened prior to this new oncologist. I feel bad for her, because it isn’t her fault. I tried to not show my shaky trust issue and hopefully she didn’t see I have a problem with it. I stayed very low key regarding what has happened in the past, but she was able to pick it up in my medical records and lab results. They spoke a story all in themselves!

New Cancer Care Center – It is the real thing! What a difference from where I was being treated before! They have a 24 hour call in triage. They have information…..verbal, literature, computers, you name it they have it! The American Cancer Society has a navigator on site. They have a place on site to be fitted for and obtain a breast prosthesis. They give you a prescription for it! I forgot to ask about an arm compression sleeve, but I have no doubt they know about them also! More than likely they will help me with that too! They have support groups and support people. Personally, I don’t know if that is “my thing”….the support groups and support people, but it sure feels good to know they are available.

New Oncologist – She went over all of the previous medical reports, doctors’ statements, lab tests and paperwork fairly carefully…or so it seemed anyway. After reading all of it she came to a much different conclusion than the previous oncologist. She does not believe it was my teeth that landed me in the near death experience and in the hospital. Yes, they became a part of the whole scenario, but not the reason. She was very careful with her wording, which shows she has respect for the medical profession, (aka: covering your butt) but she did tell me some things that have alarmed me further regarding my past treatments and health care that I have already received for my breast cancer. I am not at liberty to go into them in depth here, so just take it that it was not information I wanted to hear, but it was information I NEEDED to know.

Regarding my teeth issue – The new oncologist is going to get in touch with my new dentist to work things out. I will learn more Monday or Tuesday, but at this point, it looks like the pulling of my teeth is on hold. I certainly like the idea of being able to eat real foods while going through chemo! As far as the problems with my teeth and the pain…well that issue is going to be dealt with as best as possible. And heck, if chemo has a way of doing bad things to teeth, which I now know can happen, at least I’m not risking anything! They are already bad!

New Schedule – I am being put back on a chemo schedule. My next treatment will be this coming Friday, 8-19-05. After reviewing my files, she feels it is key critical that I get chemo again a.s.a.p. and stay on track with it as close as possible. She is going to do things differently, but the same dose dense schedule and same chemo drugs will be used. She is looking at putting me on some heavy duty pain killers to avoid side affects that my body has already shown to be prone to, along with the teeth problem, so I may be in la-la land for a few months. That might be a GOOD thing!

Information Given – After the oncologist was done talking with me she sent in her nurse that specializes in informing the patients with information regarding the in and outs of the chemo drugs, eating, fatigue, body changes and lots, lots more. Because of the past care I have received (or should we say perhaps the lack of in areas), they felt it best to start at the beginning as if I had never had a chemo treatment before. Ed was with me on this appointment and we are both very glad they did it this way. We learned things that we had never been informed of before, but should have been.

Renewed (yet cautious) Spirits, Hope and Trust – As I stated in the beginning, I am now cautious. I was far too trusting and for the most part unquestioning when it came to my previous health care/cancer care providers. This has been proven to be a mistake. Besides the risk of not stopping the cancer because of their approach, they put my life at risk in other ways.

Cancer is such an unknown subject to the general person and that included me until I became faced with it first hand. I have learned so very much in such a short time. I am hopeful that I will see a point in time soon that I will regain my trust and feel 100% comfortable with my new cancer center and doctors. So far things look good, but it is time that will tell the answer. Because of the status and the excellent reputation this center has, I have no doubt I have made a very positive move and am back on the main road to reach my goal of becoming a long term survivor. I definitely feel the ball is back in my court. Such a short time ago that ball was ricocheting all over the place!

The only downside that I see to any of this: This cancer center is a distance from here. Each appointment, blood draw, lab test, and chemo session will take a three hour round trip to do. Two thirds of the way is state highway, so that helps. But it is going to be hard, harder on those days I don’t feel well, hard when the weather is bad or it is snowing or freezing and with the cost of gas, it is going to be expensive. The expensive part is going to take some real brain storming on my part to figure out and do. But it certainly looks like it is worth it.

There is always give and take to everything. This time, it appears the give portion will be time and money. If I were to stay with the other health care providers, even though they are an hour closer, the give portion might be much pricier in the end. My life. Much too risky and way too high of a price for me!

My Cape

Gypsybobocowgirl recently left a comment on my blog regarding the cape I have around me. She is so right. Over the last few months, even though I have had things thrown in front of me that have made for some rough roads and detours in my route, I am a good traveler. I always find a path back to the main road. I am also a fighter. These traits have been a part of me since I was young. But there is much more. More than at any time in my life, as I travel this new journey of fighting cancer, I am very blessed to have an excellent support group; “my cape”. I can not imagine going through this current journey without them. Each person is special for individual reasons. Each person has done their own, very exceptional things over the last few months. I always try to show them how much this means to me, but I want to also put it here in my blog. They deserve recognition. They are the people that help make this journey all worth while.

Ed, my husband – He is wonderful. He has been to almost every single appointment with me from the mammogram on, only missing a few of the most recent appointments due to work. He was at my side and held me tight upon my diagnosis. He held my hand and hugged me while my remaining hair was shaved off. He stood by me and helped me when I couldn’t keep food down after chemo. He has searched out information online. When I stated I wanted to start walking to help with my recovery, he has been right there at my side, walking with me. These are only a small number of examples of what this man has done.

Often, I think and worry that my diagnosis has been harder on him than me. I have watched his face and can feel his pain and hear his unspoken words. His love for me is unconditional and he shows it every day in many ways. We were still newly weds, still are for that matter, when the cancer diagnosis was made this May….just five months and three days after our wedding day. While it is difficult and would be hard on any relationship, our relationship is still strong and growing.

Along with my husband, my cape is made up of others that are constantly showing just how much they care.

My Family: Mom, Dad, my sister, and my brother – I love them. They are great!

My Daughter, who brought me two dozen roses the day I was diagnosed. Who drove me to my first chemo and who has been here from the beginning of this new journey. Our relationship has evolved over the years and we are not only mother and daughter, we are best friends.

My Son: The quiet one. Yet he has made sure I know how much he cares.

Kim: Who always finds a way to put a smile on my face! Friends, yes, but as time marches on she has become more than that. She is like a sister to me. The world would be a terrible place without her.

Dana: Among other things that she does and has done, she also checks often to see not only how I am doing, but how I am REALLY doing.

Sue: I mentioned Sue in another post, but she needs to be mentioned here also. She has always been a fantastic friend. Life has often grabbed us up throwing us separate ways. Yet, even though we don’t talk or visit as often as we should, our friendship is still strong. We have had a lot of great times over the years.

Kay and Jerry: Our newest neighbors. Great people with great hearts.

Jerry and Cathy: More great people with great hearts. They too, call often to see how things are going.

Various people in the village (yes, it really is classified as a village) we live in: Always a smile, always kind words and thoughts. Many have put me in their prayers. Some have sent flowers, cards, food or done other things that have let us know they care.

Then there are those I have “met” online since my cancer journey began. These people have each made an impact on my life regardless of the fact that I have never met them in person. They too, have become a part of my cape.

Gypsybobocowgirl loves life and is great at sharing her experiences and outlooks in writing. Her comments on my blog have always been uplifting, often at times when I needed it most. She has done the same in emails as well as being very helpful.

Jeannette Her blog, Two Hands, was one of the first cancer blogs I came to. She is a breast cancer survivor and has done an excellent job of sharing her journey. She is also one that leaves very uplifting comments on my blog and from time to time I have emailed her with questions. She has always taken the time to reply along with being very supportive with her words.

TK Smith is another blogger that loves life and loves to enjoy life. She shows both her humor and her serious side in her blog and has sent very supportive comments and blogging my way.

Even the person who sent me the angels to wrap their wings around me has become a part of my cape.

There are more, and even if they are not mentioned here, it does not mean I have forgotten them. I feel very blessed to have these special people in my life. With them, the road for my cancer journey is smoother. For this I say Thank You with all of my heart. I am looking forward to winning this fight and becoming a long term survivor.

My cape is beautiful.

Things that are.

Another bump in the road. My teeth are in much worse condition than even I thought they were. Met with the dentist today. He carefully inspected every tooth, tooth by tooth, giving the findings to the dental assistant in dental talk. I stopped him often and asked what each item meant and he had no problem giving me an explanation in plain English. He also explained, even though some of my teeth, might, under normal circumstances still “get by’’, when put under chemo conditions, the chemo will be the end of them. A full plan for my teeth will be given to me soon , but his summary of the best action is to pull all of the upper teeth and pull all but four of the bottom teeth. We are looking at hospitalization for this. Due to the healing process, I will be toothless (except for four lower teeth) for six months. Due to limitations with Wisconsin Well Woman MA, there isn’t the option of a temporary plate etc. Money to buy these items myself is non-existent.

Due to the healing process needed when all teeth are pulled, my chemo is going to be way off track. They are talking a couple of months before I can even have the teeth pulled because they are so booked appointment wise. As of this upcoming Monday, I should be receiving my THIRD chemo. Instead, I have only had one. At this point in time, it is unknown how long it will be before I can get back to the chemo.

Eating, while on chemo, is difficult at best. It is hard to find foods that can be eaten or taste good. Being toothless will limit foods even more at a time when eating is extremely important to maintaining my health. Needless to say, this has me very concerned.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I, of course, was scared as hell. The initial roller coaster of thoughts and emotions were quite the ride. Then came determination. Determination that I would beat this. I would survive. Also came trust. Trust in my doctors, my health care team. I was being thrown into a world that I knew nothing about. Thrown there at lightening bolt speed. I had no choice but to trust my doctors and my health care team. After all, they went to school for this. This is what they are supposed to know best.

All I wanted to do was deal with my cancer head on, go through the treatments and get to the other side. The goal: to LIVE and be able to get on with living. No one said dealing with the cancer was going to be easy, but it seemed pretty straight forward to me at the time.

Now, a mere three months later, I am back at square one. Scared as hell. I am trying hard to keep the determination going, but it is getting bumped all over the place, making it very difficult to stay focused. Things are a mess. My trust is broken.

Things happened with my health care in the clinic and in surgery that were not good. They are items that could have been and should have been avoided. Upon receiving my first chemo treatment (July 11^th), I had a bad reaction. This last week, I find out this too could have been curtailed, perhaps avoided. The bad reaction caused me to be hospitalized due to further complications and because I was close to death. Again, I find this could have been avoided. I totally trusted my doctors and health care team. As it turns out, this was a mistake. They were not informing me of all necessary items that I needed to know prior to my receiving treatments, or prior anything that was done. But how was I to know? How do you know what you should ask when no one has told you the questions. It isn’t that I didn’t look up information on my own. I did. But without full information from my doctors, I wasn’t able to get all the answers, even on my own, that I really needed. You can’t verify what you don’t know in the first place. The final loss of trust comes in finding out they did something totally wrong. Provable wrong. This wrong most certainly contributed, may have been the entire reason, I ended up near death and in the hospital.

On Monday I obtained copies of my medical records from the mammogram forward from the clinic. They are full of errors and inaccuracies. They also, do not even agree with each other. A good example: It is my left breast that had the tumors and the mastectomy. Throughout my paper work, they list it as my left breast on some pages and as my right breast on others. There are discrepancies between the doctor’ surgical statements and pathology. The oncologist states in his initial report that my teeth are in bad condition, yet he never mentioned this as a concern or the possible dangers involved verbally to either me or my husband prior to chemo starting. There are also many other problems and errors in the paperwork. Finding this out is mind boggling. Now I don’t know what to think. With all the other problems, I can’t help but wonder if the surgeries were the right way to go, or if in reality I might have actually had other choices had I gone to a different clinic, different doctors.

All the cancer centers in this area are not “in this area”. The pickings are very limited. The few that there are, are mostly new centers and I question their experience level. I checked out an excellent center today in the same city where the dental clinic is. This cancer center makes the clinic where I am going now look like playschool at best. But being approximately an hour and a half away, I haven’t a clue how we could swing my going there. Just the travel alone, plus the number of appointments needed, not to mention other aspects would become a challenge. Plus, now it looks like I will be going for treatments well into the winter months. Wisconsin winters are well known to be full of surprises and not easy to travel in. All this with what vehicle?

Somewhere, somehow, in all this, I need to fit in finding a job. Thanks to my boss of nine years making such a timely decision to “cut expenses and reorganize” a few days after I tell him my diagnosis. Hairless, toothless, cancer, chemo, radiation treatments and all. Great credentials.

Having invasive lobular carcinoma with lymph nodes already involved is bad enough. Knowing that this type of cancer tends to be more aggressive is unnerving and frightening.

Knowing that I don’t trust my doctors anymore is horrifying. Having that mistrust feed into my decision making processes right now? It puts me on a whole new roller coaster ride.

Fighting every step of the way, in so many avenues of my life right now is starting to take a toll.