Those Words.....AGAIN!

Here I am. Today I am 61 years old and the year 2005, the year of my original diagnosis of breast cancer, seems so far away. As many would say, "you've come a long way baby".  I have had many things happen and have done many things since  my last chemo in November 2005. Sold a house, bought a house, lost the house, moved to Madison Wisconsin, taken on a new job that I love and kick started my life back on track as being diagnosed with early Alzheimer's.

Then:  After having some very rough times over the last couple of months with a lot of horrible pain it finally came to a head with a trip via rescue squad to the ER on July 10, 2013.

My husband and I were not ready in any way for the words we would hear just a few hours later. Metastatic Breast Cancer in my spine. As it turned out, that was just for starters.

I really do not want any part of the cancer journey again. But I guess the choice wasn't mine to be made. My daughter immediately flew in from NYC and my son being right here in Madison came quickly. My hubby, my children, my best friend Kim and every one else are all in shock right now. But one thing has already emerged that is far different than the first time. I have a very large support group now cheering me on and sending positive thoughts my way. This alone has already allowed me to be able to take a breath and try to make something good out of all this.

As I journey my newly laid path, I will most likely blog about it from time to time.

Till then and beyond, live every day like it's your last, 'cause one day you're gonna be right.

Yes, I am still here!

Yes, everyone, I am still here, walking, talking, breathing. I know it has been a very long time since my last entry. All things "cancer" are things that I want to get beyond. I want a normal life. I have finally come to the conclusion I will never have a "normal" life again. (And to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I have EVER had a "normal" life!) But because of my seeking "normal" I have failed to bring forth any more blog writings on this blog.

Each week, I get a notice regarding how many have visited my blog over the previous week. I am completely amazed at the numbers. I know that for the most part, those that are reading it now are those that have just been diagnosed or have a loved one that has been. I hope for those, that my blog will provide the information they are seeking. I worry. For them. Cancer is a horrible alteration to a person's life. I now know some will get through it, some will not.

I cry way too easily. I am very touched by those that are affected. I know too much first hand. So does my family. For those of you just entering the world of cancer, my heart goes out to you.

It is again October, the month officially designated "Breast Cancer Awareness Month". In view of this, I am about to bring forth a posting I did last year at this time. I still feel very strongly about my views and therefore, for those that may not have read this posting before, I hereby present it again:

October brings us Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Over the years, I have been aware of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but only on a very light scale. Through the Breast Cancer Awareness program though, I did learn some time ago how to correctly do a self breast exam at home. Without that resource and knowledge, there is a good chance I would never have found the first lump of three in my left breast. The other two lumps were not even seen on the mammogram that followed after I found the first lump, but they where there, the second one was found when the lumpendectomy was done and the third was found against my breast wall when the mastectomy was done. If I had not found that first lump myself, in the relatively timely fashion that I did, I can only speculate what the outcome would have been. I have also been informed by two of my doctors that more women find their own lumps by doing the self exam than any other method of testing that is done. So it is obvious the education put forth by Breast Cancer Awareness month has been successful.

In the process of learning about breast cancer, I have also been learning about other cancers and paying closer attention to them. In doing so, I have found some issues that I feel need to be addressed. There are over 200 different types of cancers, yet there are only a few that you hear about in the media with publicity to increase awareness, early detection, donations and funding. Breast Cancer seems to be the leader and Prostate Cancer is starting to pick up speed. There is a smattering of awareness programs for Ovarian Cancer, Colon Cancer and Leukemia, but from there it seems to drop off, with others only being mentioned on occasion. For many types of cancers, the only time you will hear about them or they take front stage for a time, is when a celebrity announces they have a cancer of one type or another. And then often, even that fades into the background.

To give you an idea of the different types of cancers, I have provided a list of some of them. This is not a complete list, but it is does start to give you an idea of how many types there are and their names. If you are like most people, I am sure there are names on here that you have never heard of. Further information on many of these cancers can be found at Oncolink

Adrenal Cancer
AIDS-related Lymphoma
Anal Cancer
Ataxia-Telangiectasia
Bladder Cancer
Brain Tumors
Brain Tumors (Childhood)
Brain Metastases
Breast Cancer
Carcinoma of Unknown Primary
Cervical Cancer
Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL)
Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML)
Colon Cancer Ovarian Cancer
Craniopharyngioma
Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma/Mycosis Fungoides
Endometrial and Uterine Cancer
Esophageal Cancer
Ewing's Sarcoma
Fallopian Tube Cancer
Gallbladder Cancer
Gastric Cancer
Gestational Trophoblastic Disease and Choriocarcinoma
Hairy Cell Leukemia
Head and Neck Cancer
Hodgkin's Disease
Kaposi's Sarcoma
Kidney Cancer
Laryngeal Cancer
Leukemia-- Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL)
Leukemia-- Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML)
Li-Fraumeni Syndrome
Liver Cancer (Childhood)
Liver Cancer (Hepatoma)
Lung Cancer
Lymphomas: Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Lymphomas: Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (Childhood)
Medulloblastoma
Melanoma
Mesothelioma
Metastases
Myelomas
Myeloproliferative Disorders
Neuroblastoma
Non-Hodgkin's Disease
Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer
Oropharyngeal Cancers
Osteosarcoma
Pancreatic Cancer
Parathyroid Cancer
Penile Cancer
Pituitary Cancer
Prostate Cancer
Rectal Cancer
Retinoblastoma
Rhabdomyosarcoma and Other Soft-Tissue Sarcomas
Sarcomas: Osteosarcoma
Sarcomas: Rhabdomyosarcoma
Small Intestine Cancers
Small-Cell Lung Cancer
Testicular Cancer
Thymoma
Thyroid Cancer
Urethral Cancer
Vaginal Cancer
Vulvar Cancer
Wilms' Tumor

Each type of cancer has its own set of symptoms. How many can you name along with their symptoms? Symptoms for some of these cancers are as follows. The following information was obtained from: The Cancer Cure Foundation - Symptoms
Bladder cancer: Blood in the urine, pain or burning upon urination; frequent urination; or cloudy urine

Bone cancer: Pain in the bone or swelling around the affected site; fractures in bones; weakness, fatigue; weight loss; repeated infections; nausea, vomiting, constipation, problems with urination; weakness or numbness in the legs; bumps and bruises that persist

Brain cancer: Dizziness; drowsiness; abnormal eye movements or changes in vision; weakness, loss of feeling in arms or legs or difficulties in walking; fits or convulsions; changes in personality, memory or speech; headaches that tend to be worse in the morning and ease during the day, that may be accompanied by nausea or vomiting

Breast cancer: A lump or thickening of the breast; discharge from the nipple; change in the skin of the breast; a feeling of heat; or enlarged lymph nodes under the arm

Colon/Colorectal cancer: Rectal bleeding (red blood in stools or black stools); abdominal cramps; constipation alternating with diarrhea; weight loss; loss of appetite; weakness; pallid complexion

Kidney cancer: Blood in urine; dull ache or pain in the back or side; lump in kidney area, sometimes accompanied by high blood pressure or abnormality in red blood cell count

Leukemia: Weakness, paleness; fever and flu-like symptoms; bruising and prolonged bleeding; enlarged lymph nodes, spleen, liver; pain in bones and joints; frequent infections; weight loss; night sweats

Lung cancer: Wheezing, persistent cough for months; blood-streaked sputum; persistent ache in chest; congestion in lungs; enlarged lymph nodes in the neck

Melanoma: Change in mole or other bump on the skin, including bleeding or change in size, shape, color, or texture

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma: Painless swelling in the lymph nodes in the neck, underarm, or groin; persistent fever; feeling of fatigue; unexplained weight loss; itchy skin and rashes; small lumps in skin; bone pain; swelling in the abdomen; liver or spleen enlargement

Oral cancer: A lump in the mouth, ulceration of the lip, tongue or inside of the mouth that does not heal within a couple of weeks; dentures that no longer fit well; oral pain, bleeding, foul breath, loose teeth, and changes in speech

Ovarian cancer: Abdominal swelling; in rare cases, abnormal vaginal bleeding; digestive discomfort

Pancreatic cancer: Upper abdominal pain and unexplained weight loss; pain near the center of the back; intolerance of fatty foods; yellowing of the skin; abdominal masses; enlargement of liver and spleen

Prostate cancer: Urination difficulties due to blockage of the urethra; bladder retains urine, creating frequent feelings of urgency to urinate, especially at night; bladder not emptying completely; burning or painful urination; bloody urine; tenderness over the bladder; and dull ache in the pelvis or back

Stomach cancer: Indigestion or heartburn; discomfort or pain in the abdomen; nausea and vomiting; diarrhea or constipation; bloating after meals; loss of appetite; weakness and fatigue; bleeding - vomiting blood or blood in the stool

Uterine cancer: Abnormal vaginal bleeding, a watery bloody discharge in postmenopausal women; a painful urination; pain during intercourse; pain in pelvic area

There are many advanced tests available for early detection. Please check the out the following website for information on tests as well.
The Cancer Cure Foundation

I recently came across a blog of a woman who goes by Elnser.
She has Ovarian Cancer. Her post, titled “I Think I Got the Wrong Cancer (a vent/opinion)” has further insight into how it feels to have a type of cancer that doesn’t get the fan-fair that another cancer does. I agree with her thoughts. It is a very isolating feeling to have a cancer that doesn’t seem to be as important to the world as another type of cancer.

In as much as I am very grateful that Breast Cancer is being addressed so heavily at a time when I have it, I feel it is important for equal attention to be given to all cancers. Yes, of course, I feel my life and my becoming a survivor is important, but the saving of my life should not take precedence over also saving the life of someone with Ovarian Cancer or Brain Cancer or any Cancer for that matter. Cancer is cancer. Awareness, early detection information, equal funding for research and cures of all cancers needs to be made and put in the public eye for all to become informed.

So here is my tribute and promotion to Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But let us consider a new agenda. An agenda for an overall ongoing Cancer Awareness program that brings forth information, early detection knowledge, funding, donations, and fund raising events for ALL cancers on a regular basis. Every one, no matter what type of cancer, what their age, or their status in life, rich or poor, well known or not, should be entitled to have the same chance to live and become survivors of this horrid disease called Cancer.

Singing Tip for Today

hmmm..... Tried singing along with a song on the car radio today. Didn't think anything of it until the first sounds rang out from my mouth! What a messed up sound! And then I also realized just how it must look...singing and toothless. I started laughing so hard I almost had to pull over. So today's tip is: Singing where one can be heard or seen is not advised when you don't have any upper teeth! It is hard enough to enunciate words in regular speaking when you don't have any upper teeth. Trying to put those words into a tune, not a chance!

(But I can hardly wait to share my new singing talent for my daughter sometime around the house. Her comments should be quite comical!)



While this is not a cancer related topic, and for the most part, I have tried to keep this blog within the realm of cancer, I wanted to share it somewhere ..... This was the only place it "almost" fits.

A long time coming ......

It has been a long time since I visited all of you via my blog. I apologize for my lack of updating after the last chemo, but I reached a point where I just couldn’t and didn’t want to talk about cancer or chemo or all that goes with it anymore. Not then anyway.

I did reply to those of you who emailed me and ask how things were going, so some of you already have bits and pieces of how things went. But for the rest of you, here is a summary of the events from my last chemo on.

November 21, 2005. My last chemo. It didn’t go very well. Something happened and it literally scrambled my brain. My daughter went with me that day and it is a very good thing she did as I would not have been capable of driving home. In fact, I wasn’t even capable of showing her the way out of Madison that day. We became lost and ended up taking a much different route home. The last chemo affected my memory, my ability to function mentally, my speech, and my vision. To this day, we do not know why or what happened. The affects did go away, but it was strange there for a while!

The nurses helped me celebrate my last chemo and even gave me a “certificate of achievement” for completing my chemo and having such a good outlook and attitude as I went through it. Being given that certificate was more meaningful than any other award I have ever been given in my life. Strange how a person’s outlook on life and priorities change when one is defeating the cancer beast.

November 24, 2005. Thanksgiving. Even though I was not able to enjoy the food as I would have liked, I was very thankful for being alive and for all the good things in my life. I still am. We did the family thing (two families actually….mine and hubbies) and it felt GREAT to be doing it! Chemo fatigue finally got the better of me but it was well worth the fatigue that day!

The following weeks were the typical bone pain, fatigue etc. Food started to improve in taste slowly and as it did I made sure to enjoy every morsel.

I developed an attitude. Ya, I know, hard to believe (as you are all saying “NOT”!) The attitude? I was going to get better NOW! I was going to get my life back NOW! Well I am happy to report I think I have been doing a pretty good job of both. Yes, there have been obstacles to overcome and ignore, like the bone pain and then the onset of severe arthritis, and the memory problems, but everyday I have just pushed myself a little more to get back to where I was pre-cancer and pre-chemo. I still have the numbness in my fingers and the bottom of my feet and my toes. I am starting to wonder if I will ever regain the feeling in those areas. It isn’t something that will stop me from doing various activities, it is just an irritant sometimes.

Lymphedema became a part of my life on December 3. My left hand became so swollen it looked like a blown up rubber glove. My wrist and lower arm didn’t look much better. The pain stayed mostly in my wrist area and there were lumps there for several weeks, even after the swelling went down. What brought it on? The simple act of doing dishes. And I was wearing gloves, as a precaution, as I never wanted to get Lymphedema. Oh well. Life continues here as well. I just have to wear a sleeve and glove when I am doing things that might bring it on and hope for the best. I refuse to let it take over my life. Hubby has been really good about doing dishes, so that is certainly a blessing.

December 19, I had my first follow up appointment with my oncologist. She informed me she was going back to her home state to practice and I would be seeing a new oncologist for future appointments. I will miss her. She was very good and I trusted her. Other than that, my appointment was non-eventful. Because no marker blood tests were done by the first (horrible) place where I began my cancer treatments, we can’t do marker tests now to see how well I have progressed. The best we can hope for…..that I don’t have any more cancer cells lurking within. Time will be my only measure of this. I will have my first appointment with the new oncologist January 27.

Christmas. Had a very nice Christmas. Again, like Thanksgiving spent it with family. My son did not have to work this year and was able to come down, so that made it even better. My sense of taste was doing well and I enjoyed all kinds of stuff!

New Years Eve….stayed home and enjoyed the quiet.

New Years Day and more importantly…..My hubby’s and my first Anniversary! What a year! One thing for sure, we won’t ever forget the year! He and I went out for a while and had a very nice time. It felt great to get out and about for a few hours and just relax.

January 6, 2006. Finally was able to address the teeth problem. All of my upper teeth were extracted. The extractions and the aftermath went very smoothly. Thanks to great pain pills and an excellent oral surgeon, I have had zero problems and minimum discomfort. Now, I am toothless for the uppers, but still have my bottom teeth. I won’t be able to get a denture for the upper for six months (can not afford an immediate), so eating has once again become a challenge. Rather ironic that the foods I said I would not want to eat again because they reminded me of what I could eat during chemo, have become the foods I can eat toothless! It isn’t sitting well with me at all! I feel like I am hungry all the time and soft foods are becoming very boring already. The restoration work on my bottom teeth will begin in February. After finding out what it is like to be toothless on the top, there is no way I am going to let anyone take out my bottom teeth. I also know that when I get my denture, I will be a very happy camper and will make it work great no matter what. I am looking forward to eating a steak again someday. Not to mention looking forward to smiling openly again and feeling comfortable going out in public!

When ever possible, since a few weeks after my last chemo, I have been doing massive cleaning and re-arranging and getting things around here back in order. Cleaning of the walls, the drapes….everything! Re-arranging because I want a fresh view. When I feel the need to rest, I do, but I am finding doing these things is great mind therapy as well as physical therapy to get back into the swing of things again.

I have even begun to repair computers again. I had my first one in here this week and that too felt great to be doing after such a long hiatus.

My hair is growing, but slowly. My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back in fairly well. The wild hairs on my chin…..of course, they came back with a vengeance (and have been plucked out just as quickly with the same vengeance.) The hot flashes are running wild, too. I still do not have to wear deodorant….but I can’t say I miss it. I started on my hormone therapy in late December. Arimidex, and so far, (so help me, I better not jinx myself here by saying this), but so far, I am not having any side affects at all from it. The blood pressure problem has not gone away, it is still too high, but my doctor increased my dosage of blood pressure meds so that, too, should be getting better soon.

Overall, health wise, I feel pretty darn good. And I am darn glad to be able to be sitting here to say that! I find that there are many things now that I just blow off that would have sent me into a tail spin prior to being diagnosis with cancer. My outlook is so much different now. Depression does take hold of me here and there…. especially with the toothless situation, but I am trying hard to keep it at bay. I am not even sure why depression keeps sneaking in. I would think it would be the opposite, that I should be happy, happy, happy, now that so much is behind me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that so much is behind me. But unfortunately, with the cancer beast, it seems to brings uncertainties that are not present for those that have never had the diagnosis or been through the treatments etc.. And I am sad that a large portion of 2005 has become a lost time to me and in many ways to my family. Time which is lost forever. Ten years from now, this lost time probably won’t have such an impact. Right now it is way too fresh.

I have many more things to tell you, but they will have to wait a bit. I promise it won’t be so long for the next post. I especially want to tell you about an organization called Chemo Angels. So I will be back soon.

Final and Last - Chemo # 8

In a few minutes it will officially be Monday, the day of my last chemo! Chemo #8!

I have awaited this day for what seems like forever. The end of this portion of the journey is now so close I can feel it. I know I will be sick for over the next week to week and a half and will have nasty stabbing, deep set bone pain and fatigue. But at least I know this will be the LAST time for these things. Also, the horrible taste in my mouth that makes most foods and beverages non-appealing will now disappear in a few weeks (I hope!).

There will be some foods that I will probably never want to come near again. The foods that became the only food I could tolerate during this time. These foods will bring back far too many memories.

I am looking forward to being able to address the cleaning of my house and getting things back in order. Both have suffered tremendously during and since the beginning of my surgeries and treatments.

I am looking forward to getting the feeling back in my fingers and toes/feet. I am really frustrated with the chemo brain issue (problems with memory) that started to occur about two months ago, so here again, I am very much looking forward to that disappearing too. And the intense hot flashes and night sweats.....oh, I won't miss those! I am hoping they will go back to the way they were prior to chemo. They were there, but nothing on this level!

Oh, and of course hair growth. And needing to use deodorant again! Not that I don't like not having to use deodorant, but at the same time, there is a comfort of normal involved to need to use it! And my hair is now fuzzy enough that others are noticing it is coming back in, too. Mostly white and I don't care. I'll take it!

There were a few times that I wondered if I would ever get to chemo #8, for various reasons. But here I am. And I am glad to be here. There are some deep feelings that come with this point in the journey. Accompishment. Relief. Anticipation of the future. Renewed priorities in life. A new set of goals to address. The wariness of knowing I always be afraid of the cancer returning. The always wondering if this or that is a "sign" of cancer.

I am eager to keep moving on. I embrace the start of the next portion of my journey. I am scared of the next portion of my journey.

I will post again, as there are some things I would like to mention that I haven't. In fact there will probably be a number of posts over the next couple of months. But after that I hope to be able to concentrate on my new blog sunnyside2morrow.blogspot.com. And of course, everyone is welcome to visit me there too!

Four more minutes to Monday! Yep, the date in time that means so much! Talk to you again soon!

Chemo #7

Chemo #7 was administered today. I still have the remains of the cold and am still being treated for the superinfection, so I don't know if that may have had some affects on why things went differently today. I'm doing ok so far, but the steriods have already worn off and the benadryl didn't knock me out like it normally does. My feet, hands and stomach are swelling up and I have a sore throat. My hot flashes are going nuts. My blood pressure is on the rise again. Last take (6:30 tonight) 167/104, pulse 100.

I guess all I can do is keep an eye on things. I am hoping to get through this one with absolute minimum, perferably none.....pain and sickness.

Only one more to go! I can hardly wait. I sure hope these two weeks actually go quickly!

I have fuzz on my head again.......might even have some hair again sometime first quarter of next year! Oh, how I am looking forward to it!

Rescheduled, looking ahead and thank you

Things are smooth as ever. NOT! Ended up with an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they put me on for the superinfetion, so now I am on a different one. The new one seems to be doing fine.

I have had a killer toothache for a couple of days now. I am hoping the tooth just dies and gets it overwith. Actually it is two teeth, but all the same.

The doctor is figuring I should be over this cold, that is still making me miserable, by next Monday and she has scheduled chemo #7 for that day. She says it would not be in my best interest at all to put too much time in between these last chemos and that I need to get them done to have the best odds. She says she will try to figure out something regarding my teeth, but I just might have to just deal with it. Oh, yea! Sure hope they give me plenty of pain pills!

I am going to be such a wimp in regards to pain by the time this is all over. And if the pain doesn't do me in the high blood pressure being brought on by the Taxol, will!

Actually, I know I will be fine once I get through all this, but damn, it just seems to take forever.

On a bright note, some very wonderful people did a spagetti dinner benefit recently for me and my family to help with expenses that have been hitting us left and right since the beginning of all the doctor appointments etc. These people were truley God sent! The timing was incredible. It wasn't a huge sum of money, but it was enough to get some bills caught back up that I was starting to panic about. We were facing shutoffs left and right! I have made sure to thank each of them, but I would also like to put a thank you here. THANK YOU to everyone, who organized, donated to and attended the benefit. Your kindness is very much appreciated. Once again I feel very blessed to have some great people in my life!

Time Out

We will start this post with a note to self: from here on out, don’t speak of things going so well, it seems to become an omen.

Ok, now with that done and as you are sitting there going, oh, no, now what happened, here is the rest of the story:

As I mentioned in the last post, I caught a cold, two days after receiving chemo #6. It moved rapidly into my lungs and has been causing its own share of havoc. Then on Sunday, I started becoming much sicker and by yesterday, Wednesday, I had become quite weak and in an almost disorientated state. I called my oncologist and they arranged for me to go to urgent care fifteen miles from here to get tested and find out what the problem is.

My daughter called into work and then took me over there. Good thing I went. It turns out I now have a superinfection. The end result of either being on antibiotics since July 18^th because of my teeth, or the chemo, Taxol, or a combination of both. So now I am off the antibiotics for my teeth and am being put on another antibiotic to get rid of the superinfection.

Needless to say, chemo #7, originally scheduled for this upcoming Monday is now canceled until further notice from my oncologist. I will have labs and my appointment with her on Monday and we will discuss at that time what the future holds from here. And as far as my teeth…. Heaven only knows what is going to happen.

Chemo #6 done and how it went ....

Thought I would bring my posts up to date with what has happened since my Chemo #6 on Monday (10-17-05). The chemo infusion went well. This time I only received the steroids in pill form the night before and the morning of chemo. When I saw my doctor before chemo, she and I discussed the problems I had after the last chemo with my blood pressure, heart and some other things, she became very concerned that my body was not dealing with the steroids well and if I kept getting the massive dose of steroids, I could have a much bigger problem. Even when I went in for that appointment with her on chemo day, my blood pressure and pulse were all over the place. So the doctor decided it would be best to not do the mega dose of steroids along with chemo #6. As this week has progressed, the just doing the mega dose of Benadryl and not a mega dose of steroids seems to have been a very good call. My blood pressure and pulse and body reactions were much different this time and much better.

And had I not come down with a cold two days after receiving the chemo, I think I would have done great this time. It is a nasty cold and moved deep into my lungs almost immediately, but I have been doing everything I can to knock it out as fast as possible. I sure don’t want it lingering around and ending up postponing my next chemo!

With chemo #6, I have had minimum nausea and have not thrown up once! THAT has been great! I got the stabbing, punching nasty pains again, but at least this time I had enough Morphine on hand to get it under control early. I have the fatigue, but that could easily be both the cold or the chemo or a combination. The metallic taste is still here and the alterations of food tastes is still happening, but in the big picture, that is something that can be dealt with easily, because I know it won’t last forever. All in all, I feel this has been the best “after chemo” that I have had! More good news…. So far I am getting the tingling, numb feeling that Taxol can cause, but it is in only a few finger tips and none in my toes. And it isn’t painful at this point. So with only two more Taxol sessions to go, I think there is a really good chance I am not going to get that as bad as some people do and it will end up being short term only.

I did receive some bad news though with this chemo. The pathology department at the cancer center where I am currently going disagrees with the staging the original place did on my cancer and have staged it at Stage III instead of Stage IIB. Granted, it isn’t a huge difference, but it is just enough to make a difference when it comes to statistics. Plus, the original place never did the blood tests for markers, so I won’t ever know via markers, how my body is doing, because a baseline was never established. After chemo is over, I will always have to be very aware of my body and changes in my body. I am hoping I don’t become over paranoid on this, but I also know I will never trust my body again. So even if I had the marker tests to compare with, I don’t know if I would truly rely on them anyway.

Due to various information that I have studied and various people I have talked with in regards to radiation after my chemo is done, I have decided to not do radiation. It would take a very long post to explain all that I have found regarding this subject and all of my reasons as to why I am not going to do it, so I won’t bore you with all of that…..(not today anyway). I have spoken to some top experts in both the radiation and cancer fields and have made my decision based on facts and how they pertain to my particular case. I will be doing the hormone treatments, but even there, I am now considering having my ovaries shut down as an added precaution. My cancer is estrogen based/fed and if there is a way to deal with minimizing the estrogen levels in my body, I feel this is another way to keep/minimize the cancer from ever coming back again.

And now……only two more chemos to go! I am actually getting excited! Then I get to take a little time off before I get my teeth pulled. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel is starting to beam through and it is getting a little brighter by the day.

From my daughter's point of view .....

This week has had its ups and downs but as the week has gone forth, I have been feeling better and better. But then again that seems to be the pattern, chemo, sick, better a few days and then bam it is time for chemo again. And true to form tomorrow is chemo #6. For some reason I haven’t really been in much of a mood to post this week. Sometimes I get really tired of everything cancer. So in lieu of my own post, I would like to share a post my daughter (19) posted on her blog back on July 17, (which seems so long ago now). I found it to be very touching and would like to share her comments for those to have a glimpse of what a person close to a person with cancer goes through.

“My mom has cancer. She was officially diagnosed May 4th, the day after my birthday. I haven't completely kept it to myself (as a handful of my friends have known about it), but haven't really released it in any public way. I didn't want to...I labeled it as "keeping my private life private". The real label, as I've come to realize, is my own form of self-denial.

Two parents, one disease. One's dead already, this one is battling. To have already gone through this struggle once, and to have reached a dead end (so to speak), makes it difficult to accept the scenario for a second time.

My mom and I have definitely had a rocky and peculiar relationship throughout my lifetime. But nested inside all of it was still unconditional love. And now, that we've both matured, we've both invested time and energy over the years into our relationship, we are so solid. It's still a peculiar relationship, no doubt. And we have our moments of anger, and rage, and we have our disputes. But we are solid, we are strong, and there is a tightly fused bond of love that will never break. She's the truest form of a best friend.

Now, watching her go through this agony...the treatments, the surgeries, the medications...watching her suffer just like my father did, it's the most horrible case of deja vu I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

I was supposed to be out of here this September. I was set up to pack and leave for New York. I was working on getting the place, I had the money saving up, I was ready. Now, in a tragic change of events, here I remain. And selfishly, in the beginning, all I could think about it all the chances I was now going to lose. Career, education, location. Now...the tables have turned. As she winces in pain from the mere sight of lamp light, as she lays in bed void of all energy, as she can't even leave the house without it being torture to all her senses...all I can think is that I may have lost opportune moments, but, dammit, she's fighting just to keep from losing her life.

Priorities change. Life lays down a losing hand sometimes. But you just have to grab the next cards and hope for the best. Hope, and pray, and surround yourself in all the positive energy you can. So that's what I'm trying to do, because she needs it. Strength and support are two words you learn, understand, and live by religiously when you get dropped into this situation. And right now, for one of the very few times in my life, I admit that I need it too.

Some of my friends have been absolutely phenomenal. However, as much as I love all of my friends, some are so stuck on negativity, that's its almost painful to be around them. And some, though I believe their intentions and hearts are usually truly good (otherwise I wouldn't call them my friends), take actions and speak words that seem so selfish that I'm starting to step back. They offer assistence, but they do things that contradict their care. And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away.

I've just found myself becoming a firm "believer", I guess you could say, in good and bad energy. It's so contagious, so effective, and infectious. All I want is good surrounding my mom. The light, and the positive. So right now, all I want is the same surrounding me, so I can give it to her three-fold.

My Mom started a blog online, to keep note of her daily happenings, and to be helpful if not inspiring to the next woman who has to battle through this. She tries to be as light-hearted as she can, and I give her so much credit for facing this straight on and trying to be positive for OTHER people, in a time when she's the one in need of others positivity.”

Due to the fact my daughter posted this back on July 17, there of course, have been so many things that have happened since that time regarding my treatments, doctors and more. They have also fallen into various categories: some good, some bad, some positive, some negative. When I started my blog, I was in a totally positive mode to help others and I hope that I have been able to do so. At times I feel that I have not been able to keep as positive of a theme as I originally wanted. Cancer in itself is not a positive item which makes it hard to always write about it in a positive manner. The treatments are a positive step in becoming a long term survivor, but they also can be a difficult experience, which makes writing about them in a positive mode all the time, very difficult.

I feel it is important for me to become a survivor. I refuse to let my daughter lose another parent to cancer. She has actually lost two very important people in her life to cancer already. Along with her father, she lost a very close adult friend when she was 13, whom she had loved dearly since her toddler years. These two important people in her life died on the exact same date, two years apart of each other. She has also dealt with the death of schoolmates and another close adult whose lives were taken suddenly in car accidents. There are other deaths that have touched her life deeply as well. She has had to deal with way too much, way too soon, in her young life. Thus, there is no alternative but for me to become a survivor. And I will.

My daughter has been very happy to see so many of you, my readers, who leave very positive and helpful comments to my posts. I also receive email on a regular basis from a number of you... also, always, very positive and helpful. I feel very blessed. There have been so many times that your words have helped me through the difficult times. Thank you for being here for me. And thank you for also showing my daughter there are very good people in this world. Among my readers are so many of you that, even though we haven't met in person, have still impacted my life forever.