From my daughter's point of view .....

This week has had its ups and downs but as the week has gone forth, I have been feeling better and better. But then again that seems to be the pattern, chemo, sick, better a few days and then bam it is time for chemo again. And true to form tomorrow is chemo #6. For some reason I haven’t really been in much of a mood to post this week. Sometimes I get really tired of everything cancer. So in lieu of my own post, I would like to share a post my daughter (19) posted on her blog back on July 17, (which seems so long ago now). I found it to be very touching and would like to share her comments for those to have a glimpse of what a person close to a person with cancer goes through.

“My mom has cancer. She was officially diagnosed May 4th, the day after my birthday. I haven't completely kept it to myself (as a handful of my friends have known about it), but haven't really released it in any public way. I didn't want to...I labeled it as "keeping my private life private". The real label, as I've come to realize, is my own form of self-denial.

Two parents, one disease. One's dead already, this one is battling. To have already gone through this struggle once, and to have reached a dead end (so to speak), makes it difficult to accept the scenario for a second time.

My mom and I have definitely had a rocky and peculiar relationship throughout my lifetime. But nested inside all of it was still unconditional love. And now, that we've both matured, we've both invested time and energy over the years into our relationship, we are so solid. It's still a peculiar relationship, no doubt. And we have our moments of anger, and rage, and we have our disputes. But we are solid, we are strong, and there is a tightly fused bond of love that will never break. She's the truest form of a best friend.

Now, watching her go through this agony...the treatments, the surgeries, the medications...watching her suffer just like my father did, it's the most horrible case of deja vu I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

I was supposed to be out of here this September. I was set up to pack and leave for New York. I was working on getting the place, I had the money saving up, I was ready. Now, in a tragic change of events, here I remain. And selfishly, in the beginning, all I could think about it all the chances I was now going to lose. Career, education, location. Now...the tables have turned. As she winces in pain from the mere sight of lamp light, as she lays in bed void of all energy, as she can't even leave the house without it being torture to all her senses...all I can think is that I may have lost opportune moments, but, dammit, she's fighting just to keep from losing her life.

Priorities change. Life lays down a losing hand sometimes. But you just have to grab the next cards and hope for the best. Hope, and pray, and surround yourself in all the positive energy you can. So that's what I'm trying to do, because she needs it. Strength and support are two words you learn, understand, and live by religiously when you get dropped into this situation. And right now, for one of the very few times in my life, I admit that I need it too.

Some of my friends have been absolutely phenomenal. However, as much as I love all of my friends, some are so stuck on negativity, that's its almost painful to be around them. And some, though I believe their intentions and hearts are usually truly good (otherwise I wouldn't call them my friends), take actions and speak words that seem so selfish that I'm starting to step back. They offer assistence, but they do things that contradict their care. And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away.

I've just found myself becoming a firm "believer", I guess you could say, in good and bad energy. It's so contagious, so effective, and infectious. All I want is good surrounding my mom. The light, and the positive. So right now, all I want is the same surrounding me, so I can give it to her three-fold.

My Mom started a blog online, to keep note of her daily happenings, and to be helpful if not inspiring to the next woman who has to battle through this. She tries to be as light-hearted as she can, and I give her so much credit for facing this straight on and trying to be positive for OTHER people, in a time when she's the one in need of others positivity.”

Due to the fact my daughter posted this back on July 17, there of course, have been so many things that have happened since that time regarding my treatments, doctors and more. They have also fallen into various categories: some good, some bad, some positive, some negative. When I started my blog, I was in a totally positive mode to help others and I hope that I have been able to do so. At times I feel that I have not been able to keep as positive of a theme as I originally wanted. Cancer in itself is not a positive item which makes it hard to always write about it in a positive manner. The treatments are a positive step in becoming a long term survivor, but they also can be a difficult experience, which makes writing about them in a positive mode all the time, very difficult.

I feel it is important for me to become a survivor. I refuse to let my daughter lose another parent to cancer. She has actually lost two very important people in her life to cancer already. Along with her father, she lost a very close adult friend when she was 13, whom she had loved dearly since her toddler years. These two important people in her life died on the exact same date, two years apart of each other. She has also dealt with the death of schoolmates and another close adult whose lives were taken suddenly in car accidents. There are other deaths that have touched her life deeply as well. She has had to deal with way too much, way too soon, in her young life. Thus, there is no alternative but for me to become a survivor. And I will.

My daughter has been very happy to see so many of you, my readers, who leave very positive and helpful comments to my posts. I also receive email on a regular basis from a number of you... also, always, very positive and helpful. I feel very blessed. There have been so many times that your words have helped me through the difficult times. Thank you for being here for me. And thank you for also showing my daughter there are very good people in this world. Among my readers are so many of you that, even though we haven't met in person, have still impacted my life forever.