A long time coming ......

It has been a long time since I visited all of you via my blog. I apologize for my lack of updating after the last chemo, but I reached a point where I just couldn’t and didn’t want to talk about cancer or chemo or all that goes with it anymore. Not then anyway.

I did reply to those of you who emailed me and ask how things were going, so some of you already have bits and pieces of how things went. But for the rest of you, here is a summary of the events from my last chemo on.

November 21, 2005. My last chemo. It didn’t go very well. Something happened and it literally scrambled my brain. My daughter went with me that day and it is a very good thing she did as I would not have been capable of driving home. In fact, I wasn’t even capable of showing her the way out of Madison that day. We became lost and ended up taking a much different route home. The last chemo affected my memory, my ability to function mentally, my speech, and my vision. To this day, we do not know why or what happened. The affects did go away, but it was strange there for a while!

The nurses helped me celebrate my last chemo and even gave me a “certificate of achievement” for completing my chemo and having such a good outlook and attitude as I went through it. Being given that certificate was more meaningful than any other award I have ever been given in my life. Strange how a person’s outlook on life and priorities change when one is defeating the cancer beast.

November 24, 2005. Thanksgiving. Even though I was not able to enjoy the food as I would have liked, I was very thankful for being alive and for all the good things in my life. I still am. We did the family thing (two families actually….mine and hubbies) and it felt GREAT to be doing it! Chemo fatigue finally got the better of me but it was well worth the fatigue that day!

The following weeks were the typical bone pain, fatigue etc. Food started to improve in taste slowly and as it did I made sure to enjoy every morsel.

I developed an attitude. Ya, I know, hard to believe (as you are all saying “NOT”!) The attitude? I was going to get better NOW! I was going to get my life back NOW! Well I am happy to report I think I have been doing a pretty good job of both. Yes, there have been obstacles to overcome and ignore, like the bone pain and then the onset of severe arthritis, and the memory problems, but everyday I have just pushed myself a little more to get back to where I was pre-cancer and pre-chemo. I still have the numbness in my fingers and the bottom of my feet and my toes. I am starting to wonder if I will ever regain the feeling in those areas. It isn’t something that will stop me from doing various activities, it is just an irritant sometimes.

Lymphedema became a part of my life on December 3. My left hand became so swollen it looked like a blown up rubber glove. My wrist and lower arm didn’t look much better. The pain stayed mostly in my wrist area and there were lumps there for several weeks, even after the swelling went down. What brought it on? The simple act of doing dishes. And I was wearing gloves, as a precaution, as I never wanted to get Lymphedema. Oh well. Life continues here as well. I just have to wear a sleeve and glove when I am doing things that might bring it on and hope for the best. I refuse to let it take over my life. Hubby has been really good about doing dishes, so that is certainly a blessing.

December 19, I had my first follow up appointment with my oncologist. She informed me she was going back to her home state to practice and I would be seeing a new oncologist for future appointments. I will miss her. She was very good and I trusted her. Other than that, my appointment was non-eventful. Because no marker blood tests were done by the first (horrible) place where I began my cancer treatments, we can’t do marker tests now to see how well I have progressed. The best we can hope for…..that I don’t have any more cancer cells lurking within. Time will be my only measure of this. I will have my first appointment with the new oncologist January 27.

Christmas. Had a very nice Christmas. Again, like Thanksgiving spent it with family. My son did not have to work this year and was able to come down, so that made it even better. My sense of taste was doing well and I enjoyed all kinds of stuff!

New Years Eve….stayed home and enjoyed the quiet.

New Years Day and more importantly…..My hubby’s and my first Anniversary! What a year! One thing for sure, we won’t ever forget the year! He and I went out for a while and had a very nice time. It felt great to get out and about for a few hours and just relax.

January 6, 2006. Finally was able to address the teeth problem. All of my upper teeth were extracted. The extractions and the aftermath went very smoothly. Thanks to great pain pills and an excellent oral surgeon, I have had zero problems and minimum discomfort. Now, I am toothless for the uppers, but still have my bottom teeth. I won’t be able to get a denture for the upper for six months (can not afford an immediate), so eating has once again become a challenge. Rather ironic that the foods I said I would not want to eat again because they reminded me of what I could eat during chemo, have become the foods I can eat toothless! It isn’t sitting well with me at all! I feel like I am hungry all the time and soft foods are becoming very boring already. The restoration work on my bottom teeth will begin in February. After finding out what it is like to be toothless on the top, there is no way I am going to let anyone take out my bottom teeth. I also know that when I get my denture, I will be a very happy camper and will make it work great no matter what. I am looking forward to eating a steak again someday. Not to mention looking forward to smiling openly again and feeling comfortable going out in public!

When ever possible, since a few weeks after my last chemo, I have been doing massive cleaning and re-arranging and getting things around here back in order. Cleaning of the walls, the drapes….everything! Re-arranging because I want a fresh view. When I feel the need to rest, I do, but I am finding doing these things is great mind therapy as well as physical therapy to get back into the swing of things again.

I have even begun to repair computers again. I had my first one in here this week and that too felt great to be doing after such a long hiatus.

My hair is growing, but slowly. My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back in fairly well. The wild hairs on my chin…..of course, they came back with a vengeance (and have been plucked out just as quickly with the same vengeance.) The hot flashes are running wild, too. I still do not have to wear deodorant….but I can’t say I miss it. I started on my hormone therapy in late December. Arimidex, and so far, (so help me, I better not jinx myself here by saying this), but so far, I am not having any side affects at all from it. The blood pressure problem has not gone away, it is still too high, but my doctor increased my dosage of blood pressure meds so that, too, should be getting better soon.

Overall, health wise, I feel pretty darn good. And I am darn glad to be able to be sitting here to say that! I find that there are many things now that I just blow off that would have sent me into a tail spin prior to being diagnosis with cancer. My outlook is so much different now. Depression does take hold of me here and there…. especially with the toothless situation, but I am trying hard to keep it at bay. I am not even sure why depression keeps sneaking in. I would think it would be the opposite, that I should be happy, happy, happy, now that so much is behind me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that so much is behind me. But unfortunately, with the cancer beast, it seems to brings uncertainties that are not present for those that have never had the diagnosis or been through the treatments etc.. And I am sad that a large portion of 2005 has become a lost time to me and in many ways to my family. Time which is lost forever. Ten years from now, this lost time probably won’t have such an impact. Right now it is way too fresh.

I have many more things to tell you, but they will have to wait a bit. I promise it won’t be so long for the next post. I especially want to tell you about an organization called Chemo Angels. So I will be back soon.