This and That

I will start out with parts of recent conversations that I either a) am looking at much differently today than I would have in as little time as just over a month ago or b) find interesting in a weird sort of way.

Upon finding out I have cancer, this person responded with, “Wow, you look so healthy.”

Do we have preconceived ideas on what someone with cancer should look like? To me, actually, the scary part is that, not only do I look healthy, but I feel healthy. Oh, there are a couple of minor things that I am now adding together and realizing they may (or may not) have something to do with my having cancer. But in reality? If a doctor had not told me I have cancer, I would never have known. Now THAT is scary. How long could I have gone with cancer in my body and not know it? How long before it would have made me look unhealthy? What are my odds now? What would my odds have been had I not found out when I did?

Another recent conversation with another person…… In a reference to a male worker in a workplace – “He chases after anything with breasts.” Granted, I found this to be a comment that I have heard in various forms over the years. This time when I heard it, I couldn’t help but take note. It was the criteria and the plural; breasts. Once again I found myself mulling over the role a woman’s breasts (yep, there is that plural again) play in our society. Yes, I have always been aware of this, but now it is taking on a much different slant as I my unilateral mastectomy is approaching a week from today.

Where does a one-breasted woman fit in? Do they make one-side bras for those of us daring enough to go without a fake one if we opted out of doing reconstruction of some type? I haven’t checked, but I bet not. How about strapless evening gowns? Now that could be a real challenge. (I think I will pass, thank you. I am very comfortable in jeans!) I never did participate in a wet tee-shirt contest at any time in my life. Just wasn’t my style. Guess I won’t be trying it anytime soon either. I can only imagine the looks and reactions that one would get!

In my quest of finding options to consider, I do know they sell breast forms on eBay. I was looking the other night. As I was reading the descriptions, sizes and prices, my daughter (19) was on her computer next to me, watching me, shaking her head and saying “There is something really wrong with this family!” And of course she immediately instant messaged someone to tell them. Personally, I think it is perfectly normal to look for life’s much needed items on eBay!

Upon checking out breast forms I found they seem to have this unique sizing thing going on. Perhaps it is even more difficult to me as I haven’t worn or bought a bra in many years. I don’t have a clue what size bra would fit right now while I still have two breasts. How the heck do I figure out what size breast form I will need to “match” the breast left after surgery? The end result is supposed to be that I am able to fit both the real and the fake into a bra and have both look “natural”.

Deciding to check things out further, I surfed over to some web sites where selling breast forms are their main business. There, they are listed in sizes ranging from 1 through 17 or so. The bras for them are sized 28AA through 50DD. (Maybe the doctor could just sew some Velcro on my chest while I am in surgery. That would take care of needing a bra.) And then you have different shapes for the forms that need to be figured out, such as triangle, symmetrical, wide base, heart-shaped with tapered edges, underarm extensions, teardrop, modified triangle and more. Then there is the “nipple” thing. Guess what folks, there seems to be a multitude of those out there, too. I think this is so you can attach them to the forms that don’t have them built in to look even more “natural”. If that isn’t enough choices, then there are also various materials used for making the breast forms. Different materials for different purposes. Casual, swimwear, evening, etc. After thinking about it, one that takes on water wouldn’t work out too well for swimming. So I guess it does make some sense.

Prices for all this? Step over cancer unit, because they came close to putting me into a cardiac care unit! They are not in the low-end or even middle price range. It was nothing to see breast forms for $189.00 each on up to $300.00. They certainly know how to take advantage of a woman’s vulnerability! Some of them appeared to be made out of the same type of material and were roughly the same size as toys I remember buying for my kids fifteen years ago. Price for those toys? High end was $9.99 each. Even with inflation, I doubt those toys are $200.00 now. So what gives here? Is it because some insurance companies pay for them? Is it because they know a woman will want to look as good and as normal as possible and will be willing to pay whatever price necessary to do so? Where does that leave women, like myself, that don’t have money and don’t have insurance? Simple enough, but a sad fact. It looks like we do without. Whether we want to or not.

Reconstruction? Now? Later? Ever?

This morning, I had barely opened my eyes, yet my mind began zipping through a multitude of thoughts, questions, and scenarios. This was not a good sign. I am not a morning person. I try to avoid thinking, communication or any other life-form until around 10:00 a.m. or so. This morning it didn’t seem to matter.

Today was the appointment with my plastic surgeon. I wanted to make right decisions based on logic and reliable information. Darn it, that emotional thread kept slipping in. Couldn’t help it. Gonna lose a boob. Funny how, in the midst of knowing I have cancer and knowing I can lose my life, here I was thinking about losing a boob. Logically that was just down right ridiculous. Oh, good, at least I shifted back to logical.

The doctor listened to my concerns, the items I brought forth from the research I have done and my questions. A big concern to me, invasive lobular carcinoma has a tendency to spread to the other breast. Sometimes it will be a while, but it often gets there. What if I have the first breast removed, an implant put in and then I have to have the other breast removed. Kind of stuck then. Either have to have the first implant removed and be left with sagging skin on that side and a tight scare on the other or have a another implant put in on the other side. Then it does become ridiculous. I really feel I would be better off having two breasts removed and no implants. I really don’t want to deal with any of the different flap reconstructions. I want to get on with the chemo and other treatments needed to rid my body of the cancer. I don’t want to take extra time in here for healing from reconstruction.

So…..my decision…..I am going to be lopsided for a while. I have decided against reconstruction of any type at this time. Maybe down the road I will decide I just can not deal with only having one “bump” on my chest. I have the rest of my life to do reconstruction of one type or another and that is just fine with me. Plus, there are breast forms on the market made for women that have had mastectomies that I can check out. Course that means I would most likely need to start wearing a bra. Good grief this is all getting so complicated. I haven’t worn a bra in about twenty years!

Research, Thought Process, Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Ever since my diagnosis and the setting of the surgery date for my mastectomy, I have been doing a lot of research into invasive lobular carcinoma, various methods of treatments being used for it and also methods of breast reconstruction. The doctor will be doing a modified radical mastectomy of my left breast, which will include the removal of a number of lymph nodes along with my entire left breast. (See http://www.breastbiopsy.com/bioresults_treatmentoptions2.jsp for further descriptions) A biopsy will be done on the lymph nodes to find out if the cancer has spread to them yet. If it has, this is where my needing radiation will come in on top of the chemo they are already scheduling me for. Because the entire breast is being removed, reconstruction methods are limited to a flap reconstruction (of which there are several types) or an implant.

I have been wrestling with several things as I’ve doing my research. The first being the lymph node removal. I have always been a fairly active person. My hands and arms have always been my means of making an income, either within an office setting as an administrative assistant or repairing/fiddling with computers or bartending. Upon reading what the lymph nodes do and finding out the possible hazards involved with lymph node removal, I want to try to keep the possible hazards to a minimum. Some who have a number of lymph nodes removed develop Lymphedema. Lymphedema is a condition, in which a damaged lymphatic system loses its ability to pump or move lymph fluid, thus resulting in lymph build-up. This causes the arms or legs to swell to several times their normal size and is known to be extremely painful and can be disabling. It also presents the potential for massive infections from even the smallest cuts or inflammation of the skin. To avoid Lymphedema and other problems, there are various precautions. Among them would be limiting the lifting of items and repetitive motions. Because my lively-hood and things I enjoy in life involve lifting, this concerns me. Along with becoming a cancer survivor I also need to continue quality of life. Otherwise, what is the point?

After studying methods of lymph node removal, I felt that doing a Sentinel Node Biopsy might be an option. A Sentinel Node Biopsy is a technique to determine the status of the auxiliary lymph nodes first. The tumor site is injected with a radioisotope and/or blue dye. This is tracked into the sentinel node, which is the first lymph node in the body to come in contact with cancer cells as they leave the primary tumor. The sentinel node is then removed. If there is no breast cancer found in the sentinel node, more than likely no further nodes may need to be removed. If breast cancer is found, then it is generally decided that more lymph nodes will need to be removed. By going with a Sentinel Node Biopsy with minimal node removal, it can often save a woman from the possibility getting Lymphedema.

In order to present my thoughts and questions in an organized way and to give my surgeon the opportunity to answer me at a time that was good for her, I wrote everything in a letter to her. I explained to her my concerns on future usage of my left arm and why I have these concerns. I asked her if a Sentinel Node Biopsy would be a possibility for me. And I asked her expertise on the pros and cons of doing this procedure over the one she is planning on doing.

Her response was absolutely fantastic! She called me and we went over it together. She understands my concerns and she agreed that yes, she can and will do the Sentinel Node method first. She did warn me that if the Sentinel Node shows cancer, then she will most definitely remove more lymph nodes. I totally understand and am hoping for the best here. If more need to be removed, well then, that is the way it needs to be. But if there is a way to keep things to a minimum, I want my best shot at that as well.

Another item that has been concerning me is the reconstruction of a breast to “replace” the one I am losing. The original plan was to insert a saline implant at the time of my mastectomy. Upon plenty of research though, I have started to question my having this done. Implants are a man-made material and carry no guarantees as to longevity or compatibility within a person’s body. Look at what happened with the first “round” of implants that hit the market. In the beginning they were hailed as being relatively safe and a fantastic remedy for enhancing a woman’s breasts or for reconstruction after a mastectomy. As time went on and more statistics were compiled, all kinds of problems started emerging. Some of these problems included illness and death. THAT is a big problem! Looking back, they weren’t so safe after all. Now they have come out with new ones that are supposed to be, once again, “safe”. As before though, there has not been enough time yet to really make that a reliable statement.

There are a few other things that bother me regarding reconstruction and the implant idea.
1) Implants can spring leaks. Doesn’t mean they will, but they can. And they have been known to do so.
2) Cancer can come back and the implant can conceal it.
3) It can interfere with radiation treatments.
4) My body could reject it or build up scar tissue trying to get rid of it .
5) I really highly doubt that any medical insurance is going to cover me from here on out. (Let’s see now, previously I have had a hysterectomy, my appendix removed, my left kidney removed and now I have cancer. Nope, really can’t picture any medical insurance company wanting to take on that risk!) With that in mind, if I were to have an implant and it starts leaking or otherwise has a problem, just what am I going to be able to do about it? How would I pay for it? They can only be removed through another surgical procedure.
6) If it does need to be removed, I am left with sagging wrinkled skin in its place. To me this is no substitute for a breast!
7) What do I do if, once I have it, I don’t like it?
And last but not least,
8) No matter what I do, an implant is not a breast!

Regarding reconstruction, I also have to look at the long-term picture. I need to look at it from a realistic standpoint, rather than from the whirling emotional viewpoint I am caught up in right now. Emotionally, I am devastated that I am losing a breast. The reality? There is absolutely NOTHING that is going to put that breast back. To do a tissue flap reconstruction generally means I have to give skin and muscle from somewhere else on my body and place it on my chest. Is that a breast? No. To remove skin and muscle from somewhere else on my body means the potential for problems somewhere else on my body. I am already getting disfigured at one location, why the heck do I want to add more disfiguration somewhere else? All for the sake of concealing the first disfiguration. When they get around to cloning breasts, that look, act and feel like breasts, well, that may be a different story.

I do have to say, as I write this, this is all making so much sense and might even sound logical. Emotionally, I am a wreck. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon that is scheduled to do my implant. I want to discuss the various aspects with him regarding my reconstruction options. I need his professional input. Plus, with surgery looming over me at only a little over a week away, I have to make up my mind. I will give him and you my final answer tomorrow.

Takes the Cake - Final Chapter

Yep, the boss did it. He has eliminated my job.

Piece of cake. I am sure I am very employable. 53 years old, cancer, major surgery scheduled for June 6th, 4 week recovery from that and then chemo and then radiation or else radiation and then chemo and I have no idea of how long each of these procedures will take. Very employable!

People have a funny way with timing and a funny way of saying thank you for being a dedicated employee after nine years of working for them.

Good News from the Depths of the Bad!

Today I received the CT Scan results. GOOD NEWS! The cancer has not spread to any of my internal organs! At this point, my kidney, ovaries, liver, gallbladder, etc etc etc are looking clean from cancer. I can't begin to tell you how good that news sounded to my ears! I know, it doesn't mean I am out of danger, not by a long shot, but it sure puts a better light on this whole thing!

Surgery is set. I requested the same anesthesiologist I had at the beginning of last week when the lumps were removed. (This guy is absolutely great! I will make a point of telling you more about him later.) I am also going to have an implant done at the same time of the surgery. To coordinate the anesthesiologist, plastic surgeon and the surgeon's schedules, and because of Memorial Day weekend, the surgery needed to be put a little further away than originally wanted by my doctor. June 6th. I am actually relieved. It gives Ed and I a little more time to adjust and to get the critical things done that need to be in place in such a short length of time. Things like making a will, living will, arranging the house (I am such a pack rat!) so I can concentrate on recovery and chemo and whatever else is throw my way throughout this.

I tried to see if there was any way I could get around having my entire breast removed, but the doc is highly advising against it. She says my breast is showing way too much cancer with no margins to take that risk. I really wish it could be different, but I certainly want every chance possible to become a survivor. So be it.

It is so hard sometimes, to deal with the thought of a part of my sexuality being taken away. I may be 53, and I may have small breasts to begin with, but they actually were one part of me that was looking "young" still! I also worry about how Ed will view me after it is removed. If we were at a point where we have been married for years, it might be different, but we have been married for such a short time. I can't help but worry that he isn't going to find me desirable any more and that would just devastate me. I can't help but worry about how I am going to feel when I am around women who are still in one piece. I am already viewing busty women with a kind of sadness. I can't help wonder when Ed looks at other women after my surgery, if I am gong to become concerned or jealous or wonder what he is thinking or if he is "comparing". Yes, I know I am sounding paranoid, but it is the way I am feeling. I am sure that other woman who have been in my shoes have had the same type of thoughts. It doesn't help that I know a few men that have left the women in their lives due to their having something or another removed that had to do with their "being a woman". I always wondered just how much of a "man" that showed THEY were! I have never heard of a woman leaving a man because of some part or another being removed from their physical being, but I am sure there are some. Then again, our society, and the media doesn't help here either. There is such an importance put on how a female looks and how breasts are emphasized. If you don't have a certain hour glass, large breasted figure to begin with, you already have "strikes" against you. Now go and remove one breast, maybe even both and see how it is viewed. What, I dont' think they have ever dealt with that one. I don't think I have ever seen "sexy" ads of women with one or no breasts!

I had a huge sheet of questions for the doctor this time. Her name is, well for my blog sake, I'll just call her Dr. B. There is something about Dr. B that makes me feel I am in very good hands. She didn't rush me or make me feel the questions weren't necessary. For this reason and other, I have a lot of confidence in her. I am looking forward to our working together and getting to a good outcome. She is a very soft spoken, petite woman. She does not give false hopes, or mince words, but she is also very careful with how she deals with the negatives. Ed feels the same way about her.

I am so glad today brought some good news. Last night neither Ed nor I could sleep. This has taken such a toll on both of us. He is so scared. We layed in bed, in the dark, and talked and hugged and kissed. We discussed many things and put some of our fears out in the open. We are so afraid of the future, and at the same time we are so hopeful. He can not fanthom the thought of losing me. We seem to be drawing even closer than before with all that is happening right now. I love the fact that we can talk about anything. We can laugh even when it seems almost impossible to be able to do so. We have both reassured each other as best as we each can do. But it is still there....we are both still scared. Guess it just can't be helped. It is just the nature of the disease of breast cancer.

Takes the Cake, Part II

Date: May 9, 2005 10:55 PM

Hard to believe, but my boss out-does himself!
This is definitely "Takes the Cake, Part II"

I have worked for this man for nine years. At first it wasn't bad because he did allow me to take time (within reason, of course) as needed for my kids as they were growing up and allowed phone calls from them to me at the office when they got home from school. That is the biggest reason I stuck with him. The pay has never been great, but in the beginning it was at least within the mid-lower range for this area. My being allowed to be there for my kids was important to me even if it meant making less. Then things took a turn and he found a way to make things work for him even though I thought he was helping me. I had to have my left kidney removed back in 2001 due to a birth defect detected when I was 48 years old. He went with the idea of moving the workings of the office into my house so that I could work while recovering from surgery. It was great in the beginning. I loved it and I worked really hard to prove to him that this could become a permanent thing. That it could be a benefit both of us. Who wouldn't love the convenience of working out of their home? Oh, it ended up working out great all right. It now gave him exactly what he wanted. He no longer felt the need to go into the office every now and then. He was now able to go on multiple vacations and outings year round and still know that everything in the office was being handled great. He has always commented on how perfect I handle everything. Even recently I have heard that comment. However, later that same year, I ended up taking a pay cut. Not a small one….my salary was cut exactly in half. I worked hard to make ends meet and even took on odd jobs here and there to compensate. Then as time went on I ended up adding on the cost of office supplies; the paper, printer ink, the extra phone line to take the phone calls being forwarded for the business, the long distance phone bill, stamps etc. out of my own pocket. That just started to progress over time. Plus he bought some buildings and I was also became his property manager! The property manager addition to my job started out ok, but then it also started getting twisted around. The actual job description of my original position when hired took many twists and turns over the nine years, with things being added on a regular basis. I will say that the original business itself did start to slow down from what it was when I was first hired. It really couldn’t help doing so. He hasn’t been around to promote any new business and he rarely returns any of the current clients phone calls.

My boss never did call back Friday afternoon after getting back from the golf course, or even anytime this weekend, as he said he would. No, it as 2:30 this afternoon (Monday) when he finally called. He asked a few questions regarding my health and what is happening then continued with something I never saw coming!

Two weeks ago he mentioned that he wanted to cut business expenses and was considering bringing the stock for the business from the warehouse back down to his property and then he would do the shipping of the stock himself. I wondered when he said this, just how this would work out. He really does not like to be in the office too much. Never has. Even old-time bankers hours would be a heck of a lot more hours than what he has put in, in years. But it appears my being diagnosed with cancer may have just been the perfect timing for him. He knows I am going to need surgery, recovery time from surgery, chemo, and radiation and who knows what else. He, of course, knows my age, 53. He knows that already has a high likelihood of working against me in the current job market. He knows I am not going to be a hot commodity with my recently diagnosed health situation in the current job market. And of course, he, of all people, knows how much money I make and knows how I am really hurting, there again, with what is looming ahead of me.

His solution to help me out?

He brings the stock down from the warehouse, as originally stated, and my husband can do all the shipping. When he said it, I immediately thought, "This could good. A little extra income would help out a lot right now." So I asked "How much would you pay Ed to do this?" His answer, "Well, nothing. This is how you can keep your job." I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I actually stuttered and my thought process became a mess! As he droned on, I realized he was serious. He actually expected Ed to do drive the 18 mile round trip, in our old 1990 van that guzzles gas at around 13 miles to the gallon, (would love to replace it but no resources to do so) AND do the shipping for no compensation what so ever, just so I can keep my job. I came very close to screaming out loud. I was screaming inside.

I realize I am partially to blame for my current "job" scenario and I accept this. I should have quit and found something else. Yes, I should have probably done it a long time ago. But I didn’t. I loved being able to be home when the kids got home from school, to be able to be there with them during the summers, and I loved working out of the house. (My youngest just graduated high school last year.) So, with all of this, I just kept trying to make the job work, so that the rest of my life could work, too.

My husband’s reaction to my bosses’ thought process of "volunteering him so that I could keep my job" was priceless. Not just volunteering him, but also putting us in a position where we would have to spend money to do it! At a time when we are both already scared about my just recently being told the ever dreaded "you have cancer" statement. At a time when, without medical insurance or savings or enough money to pay the even the basic bills right now, our only vehicle being a gas guzzler that isn’t in the best of condition to even get to chemo treatments and radiation treatments, (which are over 30 miles each trip), we get this added on top. Yep, the world has some interesting characters in it. That is for sure!

Time....no time.....

Today was a long day. My husband and I worked on getting some things in place in advance of the surgery. Because the chemo will follow close after surgery, we know we are working in a very limited time frame. How in the world are we going to get it all done? At most, we have a week.

Due to Ed and I recently getting married we are still learning about each other and the things that come with living with another person. With the health issue that is now looming over us, we find ourselves having to step up the pace. I am trying to make sure I keep a very positive attitude towards our future. So is he. Yet, being a realist, some of the things I know that need to be in place, and soon, tend to have negative type sides to them. Among them, the writing of a will and a living will. We don't have the money for an attorney, so we will have to deal with it ourselves and make sure they are correct and legally binding. And even though both need to be done, it is very hard to do right now. It gives a haunting fatalistic feeling. Then there are the things that need to be addressed with each of my kids. That too, tends to run a negative almost fatalistic thread.

There are so many emotions and thoughts running through me, both up front and just under the surface. My mind is boggled with trying to deal with it all. Working on getting things in place will keep me busy, so that is good. But it is also very tiring. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Today I my body is hurting. I don't know why.

We are both concentrating hard on what needs to be done today. We are both wondering what is in store for the future. Having no medical insurance and very limited income means we are dealing with things beyond just being able to concentrate on my health and getting healthy again. We have so many things that could just fall apart on us so quickly. And now we are going to have to figure out where the money will come from to get any prescriptions that will be needed. Or the extra gas that will be needed just to get to appointments. The money just isn't there. I will need to find a way to keep working, but we are scared that might not be possible. We just don't know. It is that "not knowing" that makes it even harder.

Takes the cake....

Happened Friday, 05/06/05

Setting: This morning, called my boss of nine years on cell. He is rarely in the physical office. The actual "workings" of the office are in my home and have been since January 2001. Day before yesterday I am diagnosed with breast cancer (after just discovering the lump two weeks ago). Yesterday I have a doctors appointment to find out what the future has in store for me and the surgery, treatments etc I will have to go through. My boss asked me to call him today to let him know what the doctor said yesterday...he told me this Wednesday.

Me: Explaining....letting him know what the doctor said and what stage my cancer is in at this point, the surgery that I have to have immediately and the treatments... chemo... radiation..... hormone therapy.... I will have to have.

My Boss: Stops me mid-sentence before I am done. "Will you be home later today?"

Me: "Well, yes, I believe so."

My Boss: "Would it be ok if I call you back later in the afternoon or maybe sometime this weekend?"

Me: "uhhh, well, yes, sure"

My Boss: "I'm playing golf right now and the guys are waiting for me."

Guess it takes all kinds in this world!

Some background.....and some advice....

I want women reading this to know what symptoms I may have overlooked so you too can become just a bit more informed for yourselves. We have been blasted with different media over the years.... do a self-exam. Even the "get a breast buddy" method has been widely publicized. Oh, as we know, there are always lots of buddy volunteers out there! But seriously, I do feel that the self-exam has merit. It just needs to be expanded a bit.

I have been doing self-exams for a long time. Then a few weeks ago I noticed that my left breast was starting to change. Only slightly. It was becoming slightly smaller than the other one. I noticed it was turning slightly to the left. Hmm.... I starting thinking "getting older" is starting to take its toll. After all, I turned 53 in March and as my Dad would say, I'm not a spring chicken anymore! Then I switched to thinking menopause, which I have been going through for a while now. I noticed my deodorant wasn’t working very well any more on the left side but was still fine on the right side. I had a couple of "sensitive" spots on my spine. By themselves these last two items didn’t make much sense and certainly not every woman will experience them. Then I did a self-exam. At first I did it the way they tell you…. one breast at a time. I didn’t feel any problem. Then laying down, I crossed my arms over each other over my chest so that my right hand was over my left side and my left hand was over my right side. Using my finger tips on each hand I systematically inspected and COMPARED the exact same locations on each breast at the same time until I had examined both breasts completely. And there it was. Then I sat up and did it again. There it was again.

I was confused at first. I have always thought a lump would be very recognizable. After talking with several woman since finding the lump, I have found that there is a general preconceived idea that a lump will feel like a well defined roundish hard item that can’t be missed. Think about it. What is your perception of what a lump will feel like? In my case it actually felt more like a tight muscle or a tight piece of tissue inside the breast. Plus, it actually felt slightly soft or pliable. By itself, only one breast being examined at a time, I didn’t realize it shouldn’t be there. It was only with the comparing of both at the same time, that I realized it was a sign of a problem.

Sure enough. I immediately went in for a mammogram, (oh, wasn’t that fun…but I sure am glad I did it!). The mammogram confirmed I was right. It was indeed what they call a lump and not only did I have one, I had two. A few days later they removed the lumps and did the biopsy. Two days later I had the results. Now, I am not saying that all lumps will feel like mine did. And that is exactly my point. Be aware of ANYTHING that doesn't feel right or feels slightly different. And please, when doing a self-exam, take it a little further. Do a comparison exam as well. Also, pay close attention to other signs that just don’t seem to add up to anything. They just might add up to something much bigger than you could ever imagine and being aware just might save your life someday.

For those who are either diagnosed with breast cancer or know someone that is, my heart and hopes of only the best goes out to you. Survivors are becoming the norm. We, too, shall join that group.

Another date in time I will always remember!

Today is another date I will remember forever! My husband and I arrive at the scheduled time for the appointment. The options are presented..... I didn't need a list of questions after all. Due to the type, invasive lobular carcinoma (no margins), location and size of the cancer, the choices are limited. Have a unilateral mastectomy, plus a group of lymph nodes removed (and biopsied), go through chemo, possibly radiation, and hormone therapy. Have various tests done prior to surgery and prior to chemo. From test results, determine if it has spread anywhere else.

Earlier in life I signed a donor card. I guess I should have read the fine print. I didn't realize that for some of us, the rules would be different and the parts would start being removed as we go along through life. Have already lost a few over the years. It started with the tonsils, then moved on to female reproductive stuff, appendix, a kidney (due to a birth defect found at the age of 48!) and now this. Damn it all, I was actually kind of attached to that breast! I guess the hair I will probably lose with the chemo just gets to be an added bonus, but at least that reproduces itself eventually.

I have already gone through a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. So has my new husband of only five months. We just got married January 1st of this year! Not a first marriage for either of us, but we are so very happy and now this happens. What kind of guy is he? He is fantastic. He has already dug his heals in the ground and stated "We are in this together" "You don't have to worry, no matter what happens, I am with you all the way." "I will never leave your side." Yep, I did a good job this time of finding a good one. But damn, why did it have to become such a hard test?

There is another hitch in it all that makes it rough. My two children (daughter, 19 and son, 22) lost their father in early 2001 to cancer after a very hard three year battle. No, I was no longer married to him... had not been for a few years before he was even diagnosed, but that didn't make it any easier on any of us. Due to this, the word cancer around here has its own special meaning and set of emotions that comes with it. And here it is, once again, rearing its ugly head to them.

I can start my list of questions now. They weave up and down a lot of avenues though. They are most likely more than one doctor alone could or would be able to deal with.

Never thought I would hear these words

The phone rings. I pick it up, say "hello" and listen. "This is Dr. B. Your test results are back. It isn't good news.....you have cancer". Suddenly her voice sounds so far away as she tells me she will go over more tomorrow at the scheduled appointment. She wants me to write down my questions and bring them in. I mumble something or another in reply and say good bye. I slowly put the phone back on the cradle. First, I sit there in disbelief. Then, covering my face with my hands, I begin to cry.