Time....no time.....

Today was a long day. My husband and I worked on getting some things in place in advance of the surgery. Because the chemo will follow close after surgery, we know we are working in a very limited time frame. How in the world are we going to get it all done? At most, we have a week.

Due to Ed and I recently getting married we are still learning about each other and the things that come with living with another person. With the health issue that is now looming over us, we find ourselves having to step up the pace. I am trying to make sure I keep a very positive attitude towards our future. So is he. Yet, being a realist, some of the things I know that need to be in place, and soon, tend to have negative type sides to them. Among them, the writing of a will and a living will. We don't have the money for an attorney, so we will have to deal with it ourselves and make sure they are correct and legally binding. And even though both need to be done, it is very hard to do right now. It gives a haunting fatalistic feeling. Then there are the things that need to be addressed with each of my kids. That too, tends to run a negative almost fatalistic thread.

There are so many emotions and thoughts running through me, both up front and just under the surface. My mind is boggled with trying to deal with it all. Working on getting things in place will keep me busy, so that is good. But it is also very tiring. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Today I my body is hurting. I don't know why.

We are both concentrating hard on what needs to be done today. We are both wondering what is in store for the future. Having no medical insurance and very limited income means we are dealing with things beyond just being able to concentrate on my health and getting healthy again. We have so many things that could just fall apart on us so quickly. And now we are going to have to figure out where the money will come from to get any prescriptions that will be needed. Or the extra gas that will be needed just to get to appointments. The money just isn't there. I will need to find a way to keep working, but we are scared that might not be possible. We just don't know. It is that "not knowing" that makes it even harder.