Good News from the Depths of the Bad!

Today I received the CT Scan results. GOOD NEWS! The cancer has not spread to any of my internal organs! At this point, my kidney, ovaries, liver, gallbladder, etc etc etc are looking clean from cancer. I can't begin to tell you how good that news sounded to my ears! I know, it doesn't mean I am out of danger, not by a long shot, but it sure puts a better light on this whole thing!

Surgery is set. I requested the same anesthesiologist I had at the beginning of last week when the lumps were removed. (This guy is absolutely great! I will make a point of telling you more about him later.) I am also going to have an implant done at the same time of the surgery. To coordinate the anesthesiologist, plastic surgeon and the surgeon's schedules, and because of Memorial Day weekend, the surgery needed to be put a little further away than originally wanted by my doctor. June 6th. I am actually relieved. It gives Ed and I a little more time to adjust and to get the critical things done that need to be in place in such a short length of time. Things like making a will, living will, arranging the house (I am such a pack rat!) so I can concentrate on recovery and chemo and whatever else is throw my way throughout this.

I tried to see if there was any way I could get around having my entire breast removed, but the doc is highly advising against it. She says my breast is showing way too much cancer with no margins to take that risk. I really wish it could be different, but I certainly want every chance possible to become a survivor. So be it.

It is so hard sometimes, to deal with the thought of a part of my sexuality being taken away. I may be 53, and I may have small breasts to begin with, but they actually were one part of me that was looking "young" still! I also worry about how Ed will view me after it is removed. If we were at a point where we have been married for years, it might be different, but we have been married for such a short time. I can't help but worry that he isn't going to find me desirable any more and that would just devastate me. I can't help but worry about how I am going to feel when I am around women who are still in one piece. I am already viewing busty women with a kind of sadness. I can't help wonder when Ed looks at other women after my surgery, if I am gong to become concerned or jealous or wonder what he is thinking or if he is "comparing". Yes, I know I am sounding paranoid, but it is the way I am feeling. I am sure that other woman who have been in my shoes have had the same type of thoughts. It doesn't help that I know a few men that have left the women in their lives due to their having something or another removed that had to do with their "being a woman". I always wondered just how much of a "man" that showed THEY were! I have never heard of a woman leaving a man because of some part or another being removed from their physical being, but I am sure there are some. Then again, our society, and the media doesn't help here either. There is such an importance put on how a female looks and how breasts are emphasized. If you don't have a certain hour glass, large breasted figure to begin with, you already have "strikes" against you. Now go and remove one breast, maybe even both and see how it is viewed. What, I dont' think they have ever dealt with that one. I don't think I have ever seen "sexy" ads of women with one or no breasts!

I had a huge sheet of questions for the doctor this time. Her name is, well for my blog sake, I'll just call her Dr. B. There is something about Dr. B that makes me feel I am in very good hands. She didn't rush me or make me feel the questions weren't necessary. For this reason and other, I have a lot of confidence in her. I am looking forward to our working together and getting to a good outcome. She is a very soft spoken, petite woman. She does not give false hopes, or mince words, but she is also very careful with how she deals with the negatives. Ed feels the same way about her.

I am so glad today brought some good news. Last night neither Ed nor I could sleep. This has taken such a toll on both of us. He is so scared. We layed in bed, in the dark, and talked and hugged and kissed. We discussed many things and put some of our fears out in the open. We are so afraid of the future, and at the same time we are so hopeful. He can not fanthom the thought of losing me. We seem to be drawing even closer than before with all that is happening right now. I love the fact that we can talk about anything. We can laugh even when it seems almost impossible to be able to do so. We have both reassured each other as best as we each can do. But it is still there....we are both still scared. Guess it just can't be helped. It is just the nature of the disease of breast cancer.