The week that lasted forever.....

Have you ever had a week that lasted forever? And during that week were you so out of things that you actually missed the week all together? Well, that is how it has been for me for the last seven days……… the week from hell. I have been so damn sick that I wasn’t able to do anything. The simple things like getting out of bed, breathing, eating, talking, concentration, etc. were real problems! As the days came and went I realized they all just blended into each other.

I had chemo number three on Friday, September 2nd. I still had not recovered fully from chemo number two that was done two weeks earlier. I won’t bother to mention all the gory details…the summary: it hasn’t been fun. Tuesday was the worst day…..and I should have been scared out of my wits, but I was too sick to even care.

It has become obvious that I am not one of those people whose body just slides through chemo with minimum problems. Nope. My body hates chemo. That is all there is to it. And for those who are quick to say “just keep a positive attitude”, let me tell you, I have a positive attitude and it IS my positive attitude that is keeping me going. But, I am tired of hearing “just keep a positive attitude” And for those that like to sit there and pass judgment, making it seem like it is my fault. It isn’t.

After talking to a number of people that have either gone through chemo or had a close loved one go through it, there is a general agreement that the rosy picture the media and in some cases, even the medical profession, are trying to feed us that chemo has gotten so much better over the last few years is a very dangerous picture to paint. They are even doing it on TV commercials. You know the ones. The ones where they tell you “I’m ready for chemo now” because the patient will be taking this or that drug and they are going to do chemo and then go spend a wonderful time with their grandchildren etc. B.S. While that may be true for some, it is certainly not true for everyone. To be giving this type of idea to the general population is doing a terrible injustice to those that don’t have an easy time with chemo or other cancer therapies. It unjustly places fault directly on the patient at a time in their life that can be most damaging. A cancer patient has enough to contend with, they don’t need to be needlessly feeling like are a loser too.

A while back I read a comment left by a reader on a cancer blog that stated “Cancer requires a massive amount of bravery. I have known many people who have simply given up because of how miserable the treatment can make them.” In reference to this statement it becomes apparent that this person most likely has never dealt with cancer or the treatments first hand. Yes, there may be a few cancer patients that "simply give up" but for the majority, it is a much more complex decision than that. Cancer not only invades the body, it invades the emotional and mental well being of a person. Cancer is brutal. The treatments are brutal. Cancer does not just affect the person that has been diagnosed; it directly affects every person close to them.

For some cancer patients, they believe that to allow death is to allow life for everyone around them. For some, the pain they see and feel their loved ones deal with day in and day out, as the cancer patient deals with each issue, is very hard. They want to release that person from the pain. For some, they may not have the health care that is supportive enough. Some do not have the support of those around them. Some have information from their health care providers that they do not share with their loved ones. Some are told they aren’t “positive” enough. Some are even made to believe it is their entire fault, that if they had just lived a better life, they wouldn’t have gotten cancer. If that were the case, please explain to me why there are so many people on death row in prisons that have murdered people in horrible ways and done other human atrocities that are healthy as can be.

For those that think all it takes is a positive attitude, think carefully before you speak this thought to a cancer patient. And for those that think a cancer patient “simply gives up”, think again. Cancer is not simple. The decisions that have to be made once diagnosed are not simple. Until you walk in a cancer patient’s shoes, you will never know how it really feels or what it takes to deal with the issues involved.

If you are wondering after this rant, if I am deciding on not going through any more chemo…..wonder no further. I am continuing. I will succeed. I will survive. But I also am now learning that not only do I have to fight the chemo, I have to fight my body’s reaction to chemo.

And as far as being positive. Yep, I am positive. I am positive now that cancer sucks, chemo sucks, low blood counts suck, not being able to work sucks and only having occasional glimpses at a life right now sucks.