Today, was weepy day. Can’t really tell you why. Don’t really know why. All I know is from the time I woke up this morning, my mood was not the greatest. Way too much worrying about things. Way too much reflecting about things. A little bit of anger tossed in here. A little bit of the “why me” thing, tossed in there. A little bit of everything that made one big mess of my emotions today.
To top it all off, Ed and I had to run to Wal Mart to get my blood pressure pills refilled. It was hot out today and over and over again I found myself seeing females everywhere in these wonderful miniature scraps of material called tops with their boobs out there in plain sight just a bouncin’ along without a care in the world.
When we got to Wal Mart I decided to see what type of bras or camisoles I could find that might “work” for me now. This search was brought on after my becoming completely fed up after looking online earlier in the morning. There I found nothing but items that cost $50.00 and up that I can not possibly afford. I was looking for a mastectomy camisole that would be very pretty and easy to wear seeing as how I can not stand bras. I found a really nice one…..at the wonderful price of $64.95 which, of course, is ridiculous.
The search in Wal Mart ended in disaster as well. And, in the course of the search I snapped at Ed, who was trying very hard to be helpful. Now tell me, just how many guys would take on something that risky as to be in the intimate department of a general store to begin with? But here he was, actually working on helping me get through this and helping me find something. Yet I snap at him. I felt really bad about that, and really mad at myself for snapping at him and really mad about not having two boobs any more and really mad that the industry takes advantage of things like this and gouges people on prices for “specialty items” and on and on. I apologized to Ed and then ended up in tears. Then I was embarrassed that I was actually in tears in Wal Mart of all places and that just made it worse. Ed didn’t know what to do at that point except go grab the gallon of milk we still needed and find a way to get out of that store just a soon as possible.
What a mess. Worse part? Upon reflecting on things, I don’t think the boob issue was really the main issue here. Instead I think it was other things such as the issue of my upcoming guarantee of hair loss, due to the chemo, that I am facing with no answers to yet. And the unknown regarding how my body is going to react to chemo. And the unknown of how the heck I am going find an employer willing to hire me while I am going through this at a job that I will actually like. Or otherwise find a way to make an income while going through all this. And trying to pay the bills and not having the means right now to do so. And the neighbor that we are having a major problem with. (That would take a whole new blog to explain that one!) And dealing with so many things all at once. And already getting very tired of all the doctor appointments, yet knowing they have only just begun.
Yep, it was weepy day. Good thing I am not one to have too many of them. Good thing I know that when I wake up in the morning, I will be able look at things a little brighter, just because that is how I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment